tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64524848368280526312023-11-15T23:06:58.625-08:00Hey Soul ClassicsThe somewhat nonsensical ramblings of a writer lost in a world of douchebagsNoahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.comBlogger48125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-74772868074673677522012-04-19T10:01:00.002-07:002012-04-19T10:03:00.752-07:00Craigslist<br />
I love Craigslist.<br />
<br />
I mean seriously, what other web site exists where you can simultaneously buy a new BMW, a dairy goat milking stand, a <a href="http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lgb/msg/2956848632.html" target="_blank">20 inch Cymbal for $1</a>, <a href="http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/zip/2967219229.html" target="_blank">90% clean dirt for FREE</a> and a double jointed Indonesian tranny with a foot fetish?<br />
<br />
So I recently got engaged and decided to move in with my fiance. When I looked around her place and asked where I should put all of my furniture she immediately replied "on Craigslist."<br />
<br />
So yesterday I sold my kitchen table to two young hipster types. After they left with the table, I received a strange and slightly disturbing text from one of the youngsters.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXkyB5k8eAOSg0Af_fXk3zeRJppeghzhEk071DxMcJ6MnKjENDWnK-JH8AxVacvcTTUO_hwMKN3YF7NTDNG35FA3e79laSYC3g8HfcT7RZ3oJuF2H8eq3D-Yc6jZmSq2laqWb4A_BcpjeE/s1600/craigslist+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="166" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXkyB5k8eAOSg0Af_fXk3zeRJppeghzhEk071DxMcJ6MnKjENDWnK-JH8AxVacvcTTUO_hwMKN3YF7NTDNG35FA3e79laSYC3g8HfcT7RZ3oJuF2H8eq3D-Yc6jZmSq2laqWb4A_BcpjeE/s400/craigslist+1.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Ummm.....say what??? Did this guy think he had looked me up in a different Craigslist section?<br />
<br />
I didn't want to be rude so after immediately grabbing my things and running-the-hell-away-as-fast-as-I-could I sent back a polite response, only to then realize it was, well, a little misunderstanding.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKqMAhTNBR2zIASKisXLiPQ4K9dgi61RYuN7tKyadduoY1TxA39PJZg6c8lI_8o-cISRZLX1n_iyVL0glOlJ8JxwlfIL01tBCWN6aksnF7DR_lyS-vAZZqozBZM0GASu4_a0PDZZ_iMlqH/s1600/craigslist2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="120" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKqMAhTNBR2zIASKisXLiPQ4K9dgi61RYuN7tKyadduoY1TxA39PJZg6c8lI_8o-cISRZLX1n_iyVL0glOlJ8JxwlfIL01tBCWN6aksnF7DR_lyS-vAZZqozBZM0GASu4_a0PDZZ_iMlqH/s400/craigslist2.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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Aaah, Craigslist. You are always surprising me. Maybe that's why I love you so much. <br />
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<br />Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-30884291578119509262011-11-18T14:09:00.000-08:002011-11-18T14:35:03.069-08:00Unproduced Screenplay #6: "Approaching Storm" (2004)First off, apologies. My time between posting new blogs has been almost as long as two Kim Kardashian marriages. I'd like to give you a good reason like I was busy doing undercover work at a local high school <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgvsDZlm9ps" target="_blank">21 Jump Street style</a> (1987 TV show style not 2012 feature film style) but the real reason is that I've been too busy listening nonstop to Kanye West & Jay Z's <a href="https://www.facebook.com/WatchTheThrone" target="_blank">Watch the Throne album.</a><br />
<br />
But I'm back and let's get right back to another one of my (many) unproduced screenplays.<br />
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In the summer of 2003 I began working with a producer who specialized in making cheap direct to video sequels of major feature films. He would buy unused film footage from the original film and combine that with newly shot footage to make the film look more expensive then it would actually cost (ie over $5.)<br />
<br />
I was hired to write his direct to video sequel to <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Perfect_Storm_%28film%29" target="_blank">The Perfect Storm</a>, the 2000 George Clooney film adapted from the non-fiction book by Sebastian Unger, about the crew of the Andrea Gail, a fishing boat that was lost in a 1981 storm on its way back to Gloucester, Massachusetts. <br />
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The "sequel" was basically an entirely new fictional story complete with new characters (having the same characters would likely require a-*spoiler alert*-zombie aspect) set in the crab fishing town of Cordova, Alaska.<br />
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This is a 1984 flashback scene from the opening of the script.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLaeYkq6DSVZrTPtSbRg3KnHRVXMAyQmzlGeu7bconGd9Gc3oyQnmSHLQnM849K78YxFl46-LjweEp4JrXCi-IQJ-KU0qmcCljtIFWQz0QK2gzFSAmlo4Zas-DIiqWqY51WYDnDQGNgv9t/s1600/Approaching+Storm+%25231.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLaeYkq6DSVZrTPtSbRg3KnHRVXMAyQmzlGeu7bconGd9Gc3oyQnmSHLQnM849K78YxFl46-LjweEp4JrXCi-IQJ-KU0qmcCljtIFWQz0QK2gzFSAmlo4Zas-DIiqWqY51WYDnDQGNgv9t/s320/Approaching+Storm+%25231.png" width="247" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVlGirBub9rVG-nj8LBkbXEeoLAYFIGoiBqYzcuyDlFv74fouWqH2J25lNZbCfMkNDieZ_d8LZhaZSjHu8_-vOofgLuvtTlNM8idL-rEv_fkxfjVjw_U-x11FXX8s8KZqNwm1Yzr57-nj9/s1600/Approaching+Storm+%25232.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVlGirBub9rVG-nj8LBkbXEeoLAYFIGoiBqYzcuyDlFv74fouWqH2J25lNZbCfMkNDieZ_d8LZhaZSjHu8_-vOofgLuvtTlNM8idL-rEv_fkxfjVjw_U-x11FXX8s8KZqNwm1Yzr57-nj9/s320/Approaching+Storm+%25232.png" width="246" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeHdYlg2G0erw0XSEsXGDfsVKE6cvLLuePgI2BOxaHjaAa_hm3cRfETlO6DksXn3nqAExOYDP0Y77u2z7vEix0svk1LOiuhVHUBZs-hCS4ftpdbcma9j-Y0NEJxDphQtYJ1fzIZJryFPU2/s1600/Approaching+Storm+%25233.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeHdYlg2G0erw0XSEsXGDfsVKE6cvLLuePgI2BOxaHjaAa_hm3cRfETlO6DksXn3nqAExOYDP0Y77u2z7vEix0svk1LOiuhVHUBZs-hCS4ftpdbcma9j-Y0NEJxDphQtYJ1fzIZJryFPU2/s320/Approaching+Storm+%25233.png" width="246" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoVIqkySnM4gCFL6_zBWPKMcB63Us2exE2MqNAVI06MYihyphenhyphenOnPULVpIAPPCdrru97GZ3JIrJ7Lx4vJlUWvrAUcBe2GX4HXby2PAkCdvMk4KyWFiB51LrtB7gllH52U5RtHu_jKfpcLCuTV/s1600/Approaching+Storm+%25234.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoVIqkySnM4gCFL6_zBWPKMcB63Us2exE2MqNAVI06MYihyphenhyphenOnPULVpIAPPCdrru97GZ3JIrJ7Lx4vJlUWvrAUcBe2GX4HXby2PAkCdvMk4KyWFiB51LrtB7gllH52U5RtHu_jKfpcLCuTV/s320/Approaching+Storm+%25234.png" width="248" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWRvwqUNrC3dlAlAGL9yhBmCxeLBGe5g2MdTAeYGmCLHavnTa4XlCFRXOOQS35XA2W5DZgocjyxAYoM_fOxlhzvFV4sgDEztpflL2hr4941g3WMIlTOiNXI6BlSCeOUsyow_WxfLJ7Bkoz/s1600/Approaching+Storm+%25235.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWRvwqUNrC3dlAlAGL9yhBmCxeLBGe5g2MdTAeYGmCLHavnTa4XlCFRXOOQS35XA2W5DZgocjyxAYoM_fOxlhzvFV4sgDEztpflL2hr4941g3WMIlTOiNXI6BlSCeOUsyow_WxfLJ7Bkoz/s320/Approaching+Storm+%25235.png" width="320" /> </a></div><br />
Next up, my <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Die_Hard" target="_blank"><i>Die Hard</i></a>/<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clear_and_Present_Danger_%28film%29" target="_blank"><i>Clear and Present Danger</i></a> inspired script about a President who takes the White House hostage called <i>Legacy</i>.Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-53848589472526570672011-08-10T08:30:00.000-07:002011-08-10T09:13:40.471-07:00Unproduced Screenplay #6: "The Powers" (2000)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">The Powers was my first, and only since, attempt at writing an orginal television pilot. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">It is a drama/comedy/thriller/mystery/action/horror/suspense/romance about Daniel Larson, a Los Angeles detective, who returns home to his small Connecticut town twenty years after his parents died from a car accident. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Or was it an accident? More importantly, why the hell are there a bunch of evil fallen angels running around town trying to kill people and how is Daniel the key to stopping them? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Here is the opening scene, a flashback to the day his parents died. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRVZrCVBSJ7y6nA7_53wtrqUKfaPKRn10tIZpB7fyzKeTVIzHnE5OBcNFYK3hnqAqQ5hCc9PrMb56BJspufh7c_DqXO1K-Q210IAfANRF7SFZ1dVPdoK8G9KPLgPgQItYfEvHuoDovLMSN/s1600/POWERS1.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRVZrCVBSJ7y6nA7_53wtrqUKfaPKRn10tIZpB7fyzKeTVIzHnE5OBcNFYK3hnqAqQ5hCc9PrMb56BJspufh7c_DqXO1K-Q210IAfANRF7SFZ1dVPdoK8G9KPLgPgQItYfEvHuoDovLMSN/s320/POWERS1.bmp" width="244" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG0E_LvLpOa3s6X4KuBu155xklOUu9hvzmzDJb_mtIwq8b2hQ3iVR92F99lG-NdOBo9kI0LdBIxbQcp2F1dsN0wQPCmbuU1neMWMYtsaXmU9Rra7GGx3VyYMz4q-Rw4AlMEsjkULMTKhMF/s1600/POWERS2.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG0E_LvLpOa3s6X4KuBu155xklOUu9hvzmzDJb_mtIwq8b2hQ3iVR92F99lG-NdOBo9kI0LdBIxbQcp2F1dsN0wQPCmbuU1neMWMYtsaXmU9Rra7GGx3VyYMz4q-Rw4AlMEsjkULMTKhMF/s320/POWERS2.bmp" width="246" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfUVnoer4d3hHx_UDPMme-5d0PG4CJWrQQZ4eMuBCMHTnNUGlJxdaGzKJJLployJlgsavMubL5ycvmZ4NkCkKyX95wJnmF-eLPEtGfFnPMpCvnKivkpNmu8YOfzl0Ig0TK_uffHV_hxoE-/s1600/POWERS3.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfUVnoer4d3hHx_UDPMme-5d0PG4CJWrQQZ4eMuBCMHTnNUGlJxdaGzKJJLployJlgsavMubL5ycvmZ4NkCkKyX95wJnmF-eLPEtGfFnPMpCvnKivkpNmu8YOfzl0Ig0TK_uffHV_hxoE-/s320/POWERS3.bmp" width="246" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMoyejaKzTU0hDZ-yv97lgI9eFs8a_B4Wee4jSM9x9vwATQIIYfvcn7qS9Pr3PH0LfceFYJPGU2pYgtisAxHXCm5TgzV0MYaCvLmrxMoJo585Lxojzx1UMx9f3W7c2RKEX-IFQTiZVw8Gn/s1600/POWERS4.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMoyejaKzTU0hDZ-yv97lgI9eFs8a_B4Wee4jSM9x9vwATQIIYfvcn7qS9Pr3PH0LfceFYJPGU2pYgtisAxHXCm5TgzV0MYaCvLmrxMoJo585Lxojzx1UMx9f3W7c2RKEX-IFQTiZVw8Gn/s1600/POWERS4.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMoyejaKzTU0hDZ-yv97lgI9eFs8a_B4Wee4jSM9x9vwATQIIYfvcn7qS9Pr3PH0LfceFYJPGU2pYgtisAxHXCm5TgzV0MYaCvLmrxMoJo585Lxojzx1UMx9f3W7c2RKEX-IFQTiZVw8Gn/s320/POWERS4.bmp" width="246" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDFfiaDK-o_xqKNTxaL-rMg33bsbxzyzGPbPm-HLjQlzB4ryLo7lH1nHSiB0Du_vnp0PLv3qw1FA_mcZZJ4OyZ5rzRG-NTuQxVSQb7bGZL35XqVX93JJtmzO3xsoio8G1chX3WfdEbm-Aq/s1600/POWERS5.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDFfiaDK-o_xqKNTxaL-rMg33bsbxzyzGPbPm-HLjQlzB4ryLo7lH1nHSiB0Du_vnp0PLv3qw1FA_mcZZJ4OyZ5rzRG-NTuQxVSQb7bGZL35XqVX93JJtmzO3xsoio8G1chX3WfdEbm-Aq/s320/POWERS5.bmp" width="245" /></a></div><br />
Next up, APPROACHING STORM, a script I was once hired to write as a sequel to The Perfect Storm. (Yes, I'm talking about the George Clooney movie.)Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-80882552033928398702011-06-14T09:00:00.000-07:002011-06-14T09:24:04.447-07:00Unproduced Screenplay #5: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (2000)<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyK8kVEhXZ0">Freaks and Geeks</a>, Seinfeld, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0E88Rtuujos&feature=related">Veronica Mars,</a> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcODkeS3M90&feature=related">Firefly,</a> Curb Your Enthusiasm, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9OcmhqFQZag">Alias</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMnWnCnE-2g&feature=related">Homicide</a>... Some of my favorite television shows of all time.<br />
<br />
But the one show that will always stand at the top is <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_%28TV_series%29">Buffy the Vampire Slayer</a>.<br />
<br />
I started watching Buffy right after I graduated college in 1998 and never missed an episode until the show ended in May of 2003. The series included maybe the most realistic look at death ever put on television, season five's "<i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8lKEckx4yE&feature=related">The Body</a></i>", one of the most original TV episodes ever produced, the almost dialogue-free Emmy nominated "<i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbnIH3zHT7M">Hush</a></i>" from season four, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75TP2VVdrVM&feature=related">James Marster's brilliant monologue </a>from season seven, and, of course, my all time favorite episode of any television show-ever-period, the now classic musical episode from Season 6 "<i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBl82U4rQrQ&feature=channel_video_title">Once More With Feeling</a></i>."<br />
<br />
So of course I had to take my own stab (pun intended) at writing a Buffy screenplay. <br />
<br />
Here is a scene from "<i>That Campy Feeling</i>," where the gang goes on a seemingly harmless camping trip and runs into some..well, trouble.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhyphenhyphenF4vL1Ascom8iKeu99kMnSk7nKkPJsERFqK_xw7zUa3oax_b-CTxLp_4od65kJ9vRqtNGPusgYAzeofYEsPj-s12qtivC-txj6LDUUrsAmC-FmNNswmcupGFQ6eU-NmDuayF_xV13bSl/s1600/BUFFY+-+1.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhyphenhyphenF4vL1Ascom8iKeu99kMnSk7nKkPJsERFqK_xw7zUa3oax_b-CTxLp_4od65kJ9vRqtNGPusgYAzeofYEsPj-s12qtivC-txj6LDUUrsAmC-FmNNswmcupGFQ6eU-NmDuayF_xV13bSl/s320/BUFFY+-+1.bmp" width="247" /></a></div><br />
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Next up, my second television script, an original pilot<span style="font-style: italic;"> </span>called<span style="font-style: italic;"> The Powers.<br />
</span>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-64714748814079676312011-02-15T09:17:00.000-08:002011-02-15T09:17:59.871-08:00Homeless Woman HecklerLast week I did a show in Santa Monica where I had my first experience dealing with a drunk homeless woman in the audience. <br />
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Obviously it was awesome.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="300" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/jRjyXM5v1Is" title="YouTube video player" width="400"></iframe>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-69462749497174906282011-02-03T09:13:00.000-08:002011-02-03T12:29:02.294-08:00GoogleI woke up this morning really wanting to know how often lunar eclipses occur. Google <i>almost</i> got it right.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKRzfv-ri_zie4tTukjNhDfhRe4rhVcCClA_UbXYmvBcNo2jvHAZKGRNB6-onBs-q7i6EUq0ulcuwZWxoH8nS0OAxivWCupa6N8Jfe6JvJHQt2qY-x6NoCRwCwUucvoRWjXsRidSJWRZYi/s1600/poop.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="363" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKRzfv-ri_zie4tTukjNhDfhRe4rhVcCClA_UbXYmvBcNo2jvHAZKGRNB6-onBs-q7i6EUq0ulcuwZWxoH8nS0OAxivWCupa6N8Jfe6JvJHQt2qY-x6NoCRwCwUucvoRWjXsRidSJWRZYi/s640/poop.bmp" width="640" /></a></div>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-25085197669057637972011-01-27T09:05:00.000-08:002011-01-27T09:14:28.557-08:00The JMom.comMy mom recently discovered Facebook. I fear what's next. <br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYKeITPXiZP3PqutOx3r_13tQ3QVixuTFNJOZSTX5-LlNQVFglSiC87ujhotYJxnOxXWEp3YVqyxwvVxCBxJHss8tOEeSdecGumHqxNvbVeThErZkQ2HIoehWJ6HUhuKY52L70J011apRB/s1600/thejmom.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYKeITPXiZP3PqutOx3r_13tQ3QVixuTFNJOZSTX5-LlNQVFglSiC87ujhotYJxnOxXWEp3YVqyxwvVxCBxJHss8tOEeSdecGumHqxNvbVeThErZkQ2HIoehWJ6HUhuKY52L70J011apRB/s400/thejmom.bmp" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="http://www.thejmom.com/">Sign your mom up now.</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-57622745239128381342011-01-20T09:00:00.000-08:002011-01-20T09:10:46.586-08:00Unproduced Screenplay #4: "The Most Gullible Man in America" (2000)<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span><br />
<div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">My fourth unproduced screenplay is a comedy about a man named Abraham Lincoln (no relation to the president) who decides to dramatically change his life after finding out he has one week to live from being exposed to a dangerous sexually transmitted disease in prison (involuntarily) after being falsely accused of murdering a nun.</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">This scene takes place at the end of the film. Our hero, Abraham Lincoln, has just found out he's not dying of a rare STD from being raped in prison and after breaking up a conspiracy by his wife and brother to use his money to fund deviant sexual experimentation, he arrives at the hotel where Lana, the girl he's truly in love with, works. </span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">I'm not sure what I'm more proud of. Being able to pay tribute to a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpmILPAcRQo">classic moment</a> in <i>Dirty Dancing</i>, one of my favorite films,<i> </i>or the final line of this scene <i>"That penis gave me life and I don't ever plan on giving it back."</i></span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><span style="font-family: inherit;">Click on each page to read.</span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Next up, my first television script for: <span style="font-style: italic;">Buffy the Vampire Slayer</span></div><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
</span></span>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-80140566021566682872011-01-18T09:00:00.000-08:002011-01-20T09:08:32.180-08:00Unproduced Screenplay #3: "Loving Drew" (2000)My third unproduced screenplay tells the age old story of a detective who falls in love... with a devil worshipper.<br />
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This scene takes place during a police raid of a devil worshiping ceremony where John, the detective, runs into Drew, the devil worshipper.<br />
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Click on each page to read. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0RokPlkr4SYVMw44FnyN4v4v1upqiadG3hwkqvzIyPWlfzUs-9tmNqlxKQ723Jzx13CaL8GXBgtYa1no5m_I5UUQZBR9WRexF-97yf8h_egkqKUkuhBEXKowHbgvfh_yKDAPY9d0isKg4/s1600/Loving+Drew1.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0RokPlkr4SYVMw44FnyN4v4v1upqiadG3hwkqvzIyPWlfzUs-9tmNqlxKQ723Jzx13CaL8GXBgtYa1no5m_I5UUQZBR9WRexF-97yf8h_egkqKUkuhBEXKowHbgvfh_yKDAPY9d0isKg4/s200/Loving+Drew1.bmp" width="166" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD5jFuLqgO8NeO3hlqXbSquaeHgtUH7JSUjAgcIhdxcF2Hpb8AtSPHFgJxMHthiCoAhGg8KvNzJdLjjigWABtO27MrJdMUsd3KdAU-s03D9DKlyGmnA9_GQJfuh7UtCbcGpoBq5m1XT5Ek/s1600/Loving+Drew2.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD5jFuLqgO8NeO3hlqXbSquaeHgtUH7JSUjAgcIhdxcF2Hpb8AtSPHFgJxMHthiCoAhGg8KvNzJdLjjigWABtO27MrJdMUsd3KdAU-s03D9DKlyGmnA9_GQJfuh7UtCbcGpoBq5m1XT5Ek/s200/Loving+Drew2.bmp" width="165" /></a></div>Next up, another comedy: The Most Guillible Man in AmericaNoahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-52645696894856674082011-01-11T09:20:00.000-08:002011-01-11T09:20:29.515-08:00Unproduced Screenplay #2: "Lie of Youth" (1999)My second unproduced screenplay was a drama inspired by one of my favorite films, 1980's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZYHe8IAlto">Ordinary People</a>. <span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-style: italic;">Lie of Youth</span> is the story of Daniel, a popular college senior who is expelled after his fraternity is involved in a hazing incident where a freshman accidentally dies. When he moves back home he finds himself falling for Emily, the high school sweetheart of the boy who died. <br />
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This scene takes place at a park playground between Daniel and Chris, his best friend from high school as Chris reminisces about the past.<br />
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Click on each page to read.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0RZNkbyj46t0doNxqsOrq1hFr5ht55BY1Z_YKZ38yixL8-NxYb0nylqvpThbE73u6C21vfkrvRu7VcTpDv4DsktLEaFaHUZO07WhXIwCRULxeAB6OWdTh48EVEZU1dgI7_pUY2G9HhLCS/s1600/Lie+of+Youth+-+%25231.bmp" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5560792479245350066" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0RZNkbyj46t0doNxqsOrq1hFr5ht55BY1Z_YKZ38yixL8-NxYb0nylqvpThbE73u6C21vfkrvRu7VcTpDv4DsktLEaFaHUZO07WhXIwCRULxeAB6OWdTh48EVEZU1dgI7_pUY2G9HhLCS/s200/Lie+of+Youth+-+%25231.bmp" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 200px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 166px;" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOPSY3c2mGpT89tMvRf4JhJY5G5zLAxIEx2X6TJ1snk1dyqEvB_qbfHsZtbePVpWgq9oCqsyyQQO0-Gf3KDdfStXMpjgqYFYwTrsJfDb1OPCjtheVaTIssq-kR8WKdXa-PH3-qLq8eG71J/s1600/Lie+of+Youth+-+%25232.bmp" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5560792647724885266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOPSY3c2mGpT89tMvRf4JhJY5G5zLAxIEx2X6TJ1snk1dyqEvB_qbfHsZtbePVpWgq9oCqsyyQQO0-Gf3KDdfStXMpjgqYFYwTrsJfDb1OPCjtheVaTIssq-kR8WKdXa-PH3-qLq8eG71J/s200/Lie+of+Youth+-+%25232.bmp" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 200px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 156px;" /></a><br />
Next up, my first comedy: <span style="font-style: italic;">Loving Drew</span>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-71189870229263347782011-01-05T08:31:00.000-08:002011-01-05T21:27:09.078-08:00Unproduced ScreenplaysHappy new year loyal blog reader! (You know who you are.) I know I've been slacking on this blog of late. That's mostly because I've been going on a lot of bad dates. But fear not because it's a new year. So besides a whole new slew of women who will cause me insurmountable pain, frustration, humiliation and different crescendo's of heartbreak, I promise to be a more active blogger.<br /><br />And unlike that Laura girl who promised a second date, I plan on following through. (On a side note, Laura if you are reading this, I'm assuming you must have lost your phone and didn't get my texts/phone calls/voicemails. Send me a private message and we can reschedule. )<br /><br />In the last thirteen years I've written a lot of screenplays. Most of which haven't been produced. In fact, I could count the number of scripts I've written that have actually been produced on one hand (if I had lost a couple of fingers in a horrible wood chipper accident.)<br /><br />So that leaves me with a lot of unproduced screenplays. Screenplays that I spent a lot of time and effort on that will never get made. Screenplays that nobody will ever read.<br /><br />Until now.<br /><br />Well, at least partly. Over the next few months I'm going to post one scene from each of these scripts, starting from the very first back in 1998, when I was just 22 years old.<br /><br />Looking back on the last 13 years of screenwriting, I've learned a lot. Mostly that sometimes it takes 13 years of screenwriting to realize that some of what you thought was brilliant at the time was... well, not so much.<br /><br />Kind of like Laura. (But still send me a private message and we can maybe grab a drink or some tapas or something.)<br /><br />Even so, there is a part of every one of these stories that I admire and that I'm proud of. I couldn't have got to where I am now without them.<br /><br />So thanks.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Unproduced Screenplay #1: "Kill The Mascot" (1998)</span><br /><br />My first screenplay started in a screenwriting class during senior year at college. Adapted from a novella I wrote after graduating high school, and inspired by countless high school movies I grew up with from the eighties, KILL THE MASCOT tells the story of Kurt, an awkward high school senior loner who falls for the mysterious, unpopular and suicidal Jennifer.<br /><br />This three page scene is from the final third of the script and takes place in French class between Kurt and Heather, an attractive and popular cheerleader.<br /><br />Click on each page to read.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8XyLvJx-YYd2M4FL3aFc3N-BkGs9_pj9tPuqFByGo5crMfnuTa6iLG2P_zyL42bOl9CGT9V_xC4lM5WvEyobREmW8VDw3a-TaXxgNvPREZ63iEG-yiqMhZob3fe-5ACzVFwD8LO-VIpBE/s1600/KILLTHEMASCOT+1.bmp"><img style="text-align: center; margin: 0px auto 10px; width: 165px; display: block; height: 200px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5558751221523386162" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8XyLvJx-YYd2M4FL3aFc3N-BkGs9_pj9tPuqFByGo5crMfnuTa6iLG2P_zyL42bOl9CGT9V_xC4lM5WvEyobREmW8VDw3a-TaXxgNvPREZ63iEG-yiqMhZob3fe-5ACzVFwD8LO-VIpBE/s200/KILLTHEMASCOT+1.bmp" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyGBiPOiAFA5ovjydV74xJzK7nwWo0PHAzwwFxgKZ-AOEMUWqT41HQ3kcpgkP9BI96WKcnpks4hyphenhyphenVMHKb1EbnOpsxd9sJ0bhMGaZQr51SeljdLcBWQ89swr3CLF2JmHqNTiBo21eLa2cD1/s1600/KILLTHEMASCOT+2.bmp"><img style="text-align: center; margin: 0px auto 10px; width: 170px; display: block; height: 200px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5558751400698195186" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyGBiPOiAFA5ovjydV74xJzK7nwWo0PHAzwwFxgKZ-AOEMUWqT41HQ3kcpgkP9BI96WKcnpks4hyphenhyphenVMHKb1EbnOpsxd9sJ0bhMGaZQr51SeljdLcBWQ89swr3CLF2JmHqNTiBo21eLa2cD1/s200/KILLTHEMASCOT+2.bmp" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikRfxUO8gxyV2VkFSmDXzYlR5uHvzp1-fddA7d3ucrGzh8jCtcWZH_iGJx2EBhtyviZav2PQ28Si5C9q2IrqwXHYsen4VdDO1pVo5Fu4h_tL9S1t3rllMSixjeYAddlmKWIi6-VjP0rvFl/s1600/KILLTHEMASCOT+3.bmp"><img style="text-align: center; margin: 0px auto 10px; width: 152px; display: block; height: 200px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5558751535372672114" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikRfxUO8gxyV2VkFSmDXzYlR5uHvzp1-fddA7d3ucrGzh8jCtcWZH_iGJx2EBhtyviZav2PQ28Si5C9q2IrqwXHYsen4VdDO1pVo5Fu4h_tL9S1t3rllMSixjeYAddlmKWIi6-VjP0rvFl/s200/KILLTHEMASCOT+3.bmp" border="0" /></a>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-58941884360062311762010-08-31T09:08:00.000-07:002010-08-31T09:14:34.348-07:00Live at The Jon Lovitz Comedy Club(Mostly) new material, y'all!<br /><br />Thanks to everyone who came out to support me. And of course all the wonderful girls I've dated.<br /><br /><object width="400" height="300"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/LSg_UGrut1k?fs=1&hl=en_US"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/LSg_UGrut1k?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="400" height="300"></embed></object>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-48418133365692601692010-08-03T08:45:00.000-07:002010-08-03T08:47:35.946-07:00Step Up<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicc0LCYu3XQ58y5YYwURAPZuMsFZl34cOgrsYNDHLkPatvErRGV-sUv8bRppyP7fdc-nL3u5c4VW6LOxC2DrNTsLJ5_CkavCxCp3TnAEFAdXqVkDiqTc67X_0eqSGqTA2BbuK1gQKwaQzg/s1600/step+up2.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 279px; height: 181px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicc0LCYu3XQ58y5YYwURAPZuMsFZl34cOgrsYNDHLkPatvErRGV-sUv8bRppyP7fdc-nL3u5c4VW6LOxC2DrNTsLJ5_CkavCxCp3TnAEFAdXqVkDiqTc67X_0eqSGqTA2BbuK1gQKwaQzg/s320/step+up2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5500561213211978274" border="0" /></a><br />The best films of the eighties all shared one common bond. From <span style="font-style: italic;">Porky's </span><span>to </span><span style="font-style: italic;">Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Revenge of the Nerds, Weird Science, Lost Boys</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">Teen Wolf</span> to <span style="font-style: italic;">The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">Some Kind of Wonderful</span>... All were movies that captured, at times brilliantly, what it meant to be young and filled with hope. The best films of the eighties reminded us of that innocent time in our lives where anything was possible.<br /><br />In the nineties Hollywood attempted to resurrect the eighties teenage film with mixed results. The best films in that period, <span style="font-style: italic;">Clueless, Scream</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">American Pie</span> were either tributes or parodies. But something was still missing. By the time <span style="font-style: italic;">She's All That</span> premiered in 1999, it was safe to say the golden age of teenage movies was officially dead.<br /><br />Flash forward to February of 2006 and the release of a little film called <span style="font-style: italic;">Step Up</span>. The movie was set in Baltimore and told the story of the troublemaker teen Tyler Gage (Channing Tatum) who falls for the privileged dancer Nora Clark (Jena Dewan.) Exactly two years later, <span style="font-style: italic;">Step Up 2: The Streets</span> came out, this time following a new dancer, Andie West (Briana Evigan), and her dream to be a street dancer. This coming Friday, <span style="font-style: italic;">Step Up 3D </span>will be released and I couldn't be more excited.<br /><br />Yes, these films can easily be dismissed as unsubstantive fluff filled with corny dialogue and cliched plot lines. But if you go back and look at how now classic eighties films were received when they were first released, many of the same things were said. In fact, many were true... just as they are now. But just like then, it simply doesn't matter.<br /><br />Whether you like it or not, <span style="font-style: italic;">Step Up</span> has a place in the cannon of modern cinema. And it's my opinion that there's a reason people like myself are drawn to these films. Besides the fantastic dance sequences and soundtracks, the hip hop dance drama is the last modern film genre to truly recall the hope and innocence of those eighties films we grew up with and loved.<br /><br />It's the last vestige of a time where we didn't have to worry about terrorism, global warming and rent checks. A time where the most important thing in our lives was our dream... and the girl.<br /><br /><object width="400" height="300"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/YK30PTmD_e8&hl=en_US&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/YK30PTmD_e8&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="400" height="300"></embed></object><br /><br /><object width="400" height="300"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/q19S85d9gzE&hl=en_US&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/q19S85d9gzE&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="400" height="300"></embed></object>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-48162577948188039722010-07-20T09:38:00.000-07:002010-07-24T15:18:24.379-07:00Rap StarSo the other day I'm searching through some old scripts on my computer and I spot a file called "rap." Immediately I flashed back to the nineties and remembered my secret dream. Well besides the one where I have a three-way with <a href="http://lh5.ggpht.com/abramsv/SAui1EkZrzI/AAAAAAAAO1Y/W77oAFzuSz0/s800/erin_gray0248.jpg">1978's Erin Grey</a> and <a href="http://slyoyster.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/phoebe-cates.jpg">1980's Phoebe Cates</a>.<br /><br />I'm talking about the dream where, just like so many Jewish white guys before me, I wanted to be a rap star.<br /><br />So here is the unedited rap I wrote sometime last decade. My favorite line has to be the "<span style="font-style: italic;">Like a fresh kid, Wearing a bib." </span>Pure gold.<br /><br />If anyone has a connection to Eminem, maybe shoot him this link. I'm still available.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br /></span><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Rap</span><br />Lyrics by Noah Ruderman</span><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />Don’t have it all<br />Never needed it<br />Cause I can always quit<br />If I want<br />Maybe flaunt<br />Jaunt<br />Haunt<br />My mind<br />Behind<br />My heart<br />Below<br />Never slow, dough<br />Keeps rollin<br />Never holdin<br />Me down<br />Never round<br />Or wide<br />I’ll never hide<br />The way<br />The rule<br />Never caught being a fool<br />Because that’s the easy way<br />To die<br />Or cry<br />Never lie, cause my<br />high ain’t warranted<br />Like a fresh kid<br />Wearing a bib<br />On a chair<br />I stare, bare<br />In my lair<br />Don’t need that mess<br />I confess<br />Don’t clean up my mess<br />Cause when I’m done<br />Having fun, I’m gonna run<br />I'm gonna scream<br />Mean<br />Shouts of rage<br />Rip a page<br />Don’t need no wage<br />Or any boss<br />Never at a loss, or floss<br />So maybe I’ll crash<br />Or won’t last,<br />Maybe going too fast<br />Forgetting the past, cause it has<br />To repeat itself<br />Live a life of wealth<br />And choice<br />My voice is hoarse, never get a divorce<br />Cause I’ll stick, never stray<br />Never run away<br />And I’ll say<br />Hey, hey, hey</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-16058044611556087852010-07-12T09:25:00.000-07:002010-07-12T09:26:25.290-07:00The Death of Lloyd Dobler<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRzNBXBSw0Nyy7wV2-IIRFJn8oHgJZr6yM06LZd0dVWOkY4fvylLRlFCGINUTEG3zHOW1mr5ExB4nIo-ulGuogXTRaEocoe2LL9uGHZZ1IOYvlOGrJNV4BO714EF6_KBXxVB0WLlB6jXWJ/s1600/13135__say_anythiing_l1.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRzNBXBSw0Nyy7wV2-IIRFJn8oHgJZr6yM06LZd0dVWOkY4fvylLRlFCGINUTEG3zHOW1mr5ExB4nIo-ulGuogXTRaEocoe2LL9uGHZZ1IOYvlOGrJNV4BO714EF6_KBXxVB0WLlB6jXWJ/s320/13135__say_anythiing_l1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5492775178061289906" border="0" /></a><br />In April of 1989 I was a skinny four-eyed teenager who loved reruns of Charles in Charge, Steven Seagal action movies and Twizzlers cherry licorice laces. If someone asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I would have answered "talk to a girl." Almost twenty years ago, I was an innocent, slightly socially awkward fourteen year-old without a dream.<br /><br />And then one day I watched the preview for the film, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098258/">Say Anything</a>. And for some reason, I felt compelled to see it. With no girl to ask out and no guy willing to see such a ‘girlie’ movie, I decided to do something I'd never done before and rarely done since. I went to the movie theater alone.<br /><br />One hour and forty-two minutes later, I was still innocent. I was still slightly socially awkward. I was still fourteen. But I was no longer without a dream. That was the first day I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to write characters like Lloyd Dobbler who said things like “I want to get hurt!” (Which became my all-time favorite movie line in my all-time favorite movie.)<br /><br />Hell, I wanted to be Lloyd Dobbler.<br /><br />As I grew up and moved to Los Angeles to pursue writing, Cameron Crowe's story of love found, lost and found again was never too far from my mind. When I went out on dates with girls (yes, I did finally talk to them) and later had actual girlfriends, I was always trying to live up to the heart of Lloyd’s character. And for a while, that was a good thing.<br /><br />But then something changed. It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment or even if there was an exact moment, but all of a sudden everything I knew became everything I thought I knew. And everything I thought I knew amounted to a whole lot of nothing. And knowing a whole lot of nothing is a pretty darn good recipe for disappointment.<br /><br />So what exactly happened? And who or what was to blame?<br /><br />For a while I wasn’t sure. But then one night it hit me. It was MTV. More specifically, MTV’s “reality” show, <a href="http://www.mtv.com/shows/the_hills/season_6/series.jhtml">The Hills</a>.<br /><br />As one of the few heterosexual fans of the show, I’ll admit to being entertained by the hollow, vain and narcissistic cast of conceited, swollen-headed and self-important douchebags and sorority girls. I’ll admit to getting sucked into the highfalutin, grandiose and farcical ‘drama” these characters became famous for. But while I was being entertained by the constant backstabbing, infighting, crossbreeding and maltreatment, I didn’t realize the true influence they were having.<br /><br />Until I started dating.<br /><br />While girls had once swooned for the sentimental, romantic and sweet gestures of a Lloyd Dobbler, they now were smitten by the dry, dispassionate and obnoxious gestures of a Justin Bobby. While girls had once held their breath anxiously hoping he would ask them out again that night and then call the next day or, even better, bright and early the next morning or, even better, five minutes after he kissed you goodnight and got in his car because he couldn’t wait any longer and he even had to pull over to the side of the road because he couldn’t concentrate on driving… they’re now turned off unless he disappears for a week and then calls late one night asking if they want him to stop by and when they say yes he doesn’t stop by but texts three days later saying he got caught up and maybe he’ll call again in a week or maybe he won’t but the whole time they are eating it up because he is mysterious, rebellious and exciting. And did I mention he drives a motorcycle?<br /><br />Now before you get angry and upset because you are a girl who would be horrified and completely turned off by the behavior of the latter and instead have been desperately searching for someone like the former, let me be clear. You have now become the exception.<br /><br />Somehow the ugly, vile egotism, shameless self-loving and contemptible behavior that permeates the spirit of a brainless show on MTV had managed to influence an entire population of girls, many of whom had probably never seen a single episode. It didn’t matter.<br /><br />One of my close female friends recently met a guy she fell for. After attempting to text him about seeing him again and getting relatively blown off, she decided to call. His roommate answered and not only wouldn’t let her talk to him but actually PRETENDED TO BE HIM. It was as if she had fallen back into a world of infantile and immature high-school games. A world kind of like we see every week on The Hills.<br /><br />My friend was smart. She immediately hung up and texted him back “Lose my number, you immature douchebag. I don’t have time for little boys and their games.” She then deleted his number.<br /><br />But this got me thinking. What if this guy was just acting exactly as he is expected to act? What if he is not the advertised douchebag but instead a good person inside who only knew a world of disrespectful and childish game playing? What if he thought this is what she wanted? So I thought about these questions for a moment.<br /><br />And then I got depressed.<br /><br />So what is a guy like me to do when faced with this new reality? I could change. I could forget about Lloyd Dobbler. I could forget about that skinny four-eyed teenager walking out of the movie theater with a big smile on my face.<br /><br />It wouldn’t be difficult or take much effort. I could suddenly become the contemptible, ill-mannered and coldhearted Justin Bobby many girls now crave. I could do that today and maybe everything would be easier.<br /><br />Yes, I could do all those things. And yes, maybe everything would be easier. But I’m not going to.<br /><br />I think I’m waiting for the girl who is the exception.Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-77968130790904352292010-01-25T23:04:00.000-08:002010-01-26T08:39:43.401-08:00Live from HollywoodThanks to everyone who came out to my winter shows. From Hermosa Beach to Hollywood and Culver City, I had a blast... After a brief hiatus to get my movie shooting on, I will be back.<br /><br />A special thanks to my dating life. I couldn't have done it without you.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-UAx82UdVXs&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-UAx82UdVXs&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-77293131321594498602010-01-04T09:00:00.000-08:002010-01-04T09:02:51.786-08:00The Best Texts of 2009<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoF3nrsyptBJrFWTbxc5kXgHNmf-76-BMtL0YG0rR5j1lkwFOeZjjrtrQJJWbz8LwpNB2YFvrC-eY0zLb-PWVtrAunD_1rPYP2xo6X-03iyG09iznPjujll-GskzP7nho8ZgHmHv5G4caQ/s1600-h/texting_girl_350.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoF3nrsyptBJrFWTbxc5kXgHNmf-76-BMtL0YG0rR5j1lkwFOeZjjrtrQJJWbz8LwpNB2YFvrC-eY0zLb-PWVtrAunD_1rPYP2xo6X-03iyG09iznPjujll-GskzP7nho8ZgHmHv5G4caQ/s200/texting_girl_350.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5422930849776384706" /></a><br />One day when I'm old(er) with kids, my child is going to google my name (by then they'll be able to do it from the computer chip implanted in their brain), find this blog post and...<br /><br />I'm going to have some explaining to do.<br /><br />The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last twelve months from across the country. To protect the "innocent," no names and dates are listed.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">My doctor this morning while my pants were down: "Have you been working out?"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">She would cockblock me at my own wedding.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I just got booty texted by a girl I haven't spoken to in four years. It's as if she just sat back in her La-Z-Boy and asked "Hmm... What's the most random piece of ass I could have tonight?"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">1. Walked by the office next to mine. 2. Saw new name on the door. 3. Looked her up on Facebook. 4. Had access to her profile because we are both on same network. 5. She has giant tits.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Odds that he's washed his sheets since the last bang? 6 to 5 against.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">She then said "No condoms? Well... are you clean?"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"My response after seeing the picture of the girl he hooked up with last night: "Eeesh."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Tell him to make sure to get her Facebook… It's the sketch trophy of 2009."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Hooking up with that girl is like an inmate trying to talk himself into a jailhouse BJ."</span><br /><br />And my personal favorite text of 2009...<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Cockblocking is as offensive as genocide.</span>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-72237600326740098892009-10-08T08:29:00.000-07:002009-10-08T09:09:06.305-07:00The Best Texts of August AND September<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYyjSkfHtDQvNnd3TN6n7MlYSh4voPQiLLvDcOJl_Q-QU5S60z__kg-c0ec2SrI00cCphKjUpf9COoQ49kZ_cAtFsuzj1n3cs6XVuUvZNml5dhCLKMNvc6FTz9AkX2-zFvqrhCf8NII8aI/s1600-h/texting.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 236px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYyjSkfHtDQvNnd3TN6n7MlYSh4voPQiLLvDcOJl_Q-QU5S60z__kg-c0ec2SrI00cCphKjUpf9COoQ49kZ_cAtFsuzj1n3cs6XVuUvZNml5dhCLKMNvc6FTz9AkX2-zFvqrhCf8NII8aI/s320/texting.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5390252021671726386" border="0" /></a>The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last two months from across the country. To protect the "innocent," no names and dates are listed.<br /><br /><p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><span style="font-style: italic;">There's an Asian girl at lunch named "Heaven Kim." Even a porn star would reject that name as too obvious.<br /><br /></span> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal">Your last text suggested cockblocking and logistics issues, so I'm very glad it all cummed up roses.</p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal">Is spicy broccoli a good idea before a 2pm massage?</p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal">As he left the bar he gave the girl who rejected him the double middle finger and later hurled in the kitchen sink. Classy night all around.</p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal">Apparently she looked exactly like her picture on Facebook... in 1985!</p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal">He just sent me an email titled "Five dollar footlong." Before I opened it I knew it was a picture of a dump.</p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal">A hot Jewish girl just talked to me. Shocking.<br />A hot Jewish girl? That is shocking.</p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal">The only thing looser than my morals are my stools.</p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal">Did you enjoy your testicles last night?</p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal">I accidentally called a sex line last night. I was trying to call Toshiba because my computer is broken. I was one number off. Ooops.</p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><br />And my personal favorite text of August and September...</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal">Is it okay to tell a girl that you love her to get a BJ, but not sex?</p>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-76920589846436923132009-09-16T00:01:00.000-07:002009-09-16T08:45:48.736-07:00Kato Kaelin introduces me on stageIn my long recurring fantasy of this moment, it went a little differently.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Ol0ulG7SmgE&hl=en&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Ol0ulG7SmgE&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-42136310199509681402009-09-07T19:26:00.000-07:002009-09-09T09:35:18.529-07:00companion<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwYqViWf5fQlAIMka2hNiMBiFmQ_T15HA4Bep7uIK8kROEaANx6BZTOTFsTLQxA_pkD-py2Y0FcqaBlVBC3nrmRbfzPX8sBicbDfS0ZIO54mB1qo6Dk__M1dZop3hi25t_dD6ILRNDKKqt/s1600-h/new+poster+2.JPG"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwYqViWf5fQlAIMka2hNiMBiFmQ_T15HA4Bep7uIK8kROEaANx6BZTOTFsTLQxA_pkD-py2Y0FcqaBlVBC3nrmRbfzPX8sBicbDfS0ZIO54mB1qo6Dk__M1dZop3hi25t_dD6ILRNDKKqt/s400/new+poster+2.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5379321307073561682" border="0" /></a><br /><br />It's been a long road to get here, and it will surely be a long road to the finish line, but this is where it all begins.<br /><br />I'm happy to announce the production of <span style="font-style: italic;">companion</span>, a short film that I wrote and will be directing at the start of 2010.<br /><br />Loosely adapted from the <a href="http://www.cherrybleeds.com/words/guest/noah-june06.html">short story</a>, <span style="font-style: italic;">companion</span><span> is</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span>the story of<span class="text"> Alaina, a housewife living with painful regrets from her past.<br /><br />This is definitely a departure for me, as it's most certainly not a comedy and it's also the first script I've ever written with a female lead.<br /><br />I'll be teaming up with an extremely talented group of filmmakers, who will hopefully be able to mask all my shortcomings. For those technical buffs/film nerds, we'll be shooting the film in HD on a </span>Sony HDV-V1U.<br /><br /><span style="font-family:monospace;"><span style="font-family:Georgia,serif;">Look</span></span><span class="text"> out for the official Facebook page soon, where you'll be able to follow the production from casting through production and beyond.<br /><br />Casting begins in late October/early November so if you are an actor/actress or have a friend who is one, stay tuned for the official notice to submit. (As with all my productions, the casting couch will be in full effect.)</span><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br /></span>As a writer, there are always stories you want to tell. And then there are ones you have to.<br /><br />Consider this the latter.<br /><br /><object width="400" height="300"><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><param name="movie" value="http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=6497117&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen=1"><embed src="http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=6497117&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always" width="400" height="300"></embed></object><p><a href="http://vimeo.com/6497117">companion teaser</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/user1990932">Noah Ruderman</a> on <a href="http://vimeo.com/">Vimeo</a>.</p>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-6163971755662032702009-08-06T19:18:00.000-07:002009-08-06T19:29:38.490-07:00John Hughes 1950-2009I originally wrote this in college and then last year went back and rewrote it. Tonight it seems like a fitting tribute.<br /><br /><div style="font-weight: bold;" class="blogSubject"> <label id="pBlogSubject_378416881">The New Classics</label></div><p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoPlainText"><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12;" >“When the causes of the decline of Western Civilization are finally writ, Hollywood will surely have to answer why it turned one of man’s most significant art forms over to the self-gratification of high schoolers.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <span style="font-style: italic;font-family:";font-size:12;" ><span style=""> </span><span style=""> </span>-review of The Breakfast Club, Variety, February 13, 1985</span><br /><br /> <!--- blog body ---> <div id="pBlogBody_378416881" class="blogContent">the eighties were the fifties<br />an aids free adventure in innocence<br />the promise of a good life<br />with video games<br /><br />Mickey Rooney, Judy Garland, and Jackie Coogan<br />the Dead End Kids, the Bowery Boys<br />Debbie Reynolds and Natalie wood<br />the depression years of adolescence<br /><br />then movies were made in the eighties<br />movies made for kids<br />by adults<br />born in the sixties<br /><br />mr. dumb horny thirteen year old<br />at one time we fought over the draft<br />we feared the paranoia<br />JFK blown away<br />now we worry over being popular<br /><br />Vietnam once our enemy<br />now we are at war again<br />this time with our parents<br />at home alone with the radio turned on<br /><br />maybe it was home video that started the rage<br />we could hide out with slumber party massacre<br />turn off the lights<br />grab microwave popcorn<br />and watch fright night<br />again<br /><br />our parents got rich<br />from the stock market<br />they got greedy<br />but greed did not play a part<br />in our subculture of film<br />our schoolyard<br />where jock could hang with the geek<br />and the princess could walk away with the bully<br /><br />maybe it's in the faces<br />the looks<br />the blue of her eyes<br />the way he blinks<br />the way she sits alone on the grass<br /><br />maybe it was the names<br />the stars and the sunglasses<br />we knew who they were<br />even before they did<br /><br />maybe it's in the smile<br />or the way she swallows<br />how she crosses her t's<br />how he drives his new car<br />maybe<br /><br />but it didn't have to be this way<br />we could have continued the way it was<br />Mash Nashville Taxi Driver<br />Sunday Bloody Sunday<br /><br />We didn't need to pay Wes Craven<br />and John Hughes<br />to entertain us<br />we didn't need Ferris Bueller<br />or Jeff Spicoli<br />to tell us how to live<br /><br />but maybe there was something missing<br />a dance<br />maybe we wanted to know<br />how to cry<br />maybe we were just confused<br />and needed a day off<br />to sleep<br /><br />and yet these films were bad<br />criticized<br />ridiculed<br />cast away to one am spots on tbs<br />left to die<br /><br />but yet they rise<br /><br />they come back again<br />they can't let us forget<br />The Last American Virgin<br /><br />our own father needs to feel worthy of living<br />validation for his part in this world<br />so in a way the best movies<br />the eighties most remembered times<br />help<br /><br />we grow up still as who we were<br />and we remember times<br />through images<br />the prom lives again<br />is that what her eyes are for?<br /><br />just like Lego's and Weird Science<br />GI Joe and License to Drive<br />Barbie and Heathers<br />Cabbage Patch and Halloween<br /><br />like Carson and The Lost Boys<br />Cheerios and Real Genius<br />Scooby Doo and Teen Wolf<br />the Smurfs and Hardbodies<br /><br />the eighties were the fifties<br />or maybe they weren't<br />maybe they meant nothing<br />just ten years of waiting<br />a decade lost on itself<br />maybe<br /><br />"when you grow up, your heart dies"<br />we've heard it before, but Ally Sheedy was wrong<br />or maybe we've never grown up</div><br />RIP John.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZOkNIUw0c2s&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&feature=player_embedded&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZOkNIUw0c2s&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&feature=player_embedded&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-80208673950177470642009-08-03T08:30:00.001-07:002009-08-03T18:20:04.537-07:00The Best Texts of June AND July<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilfSvtL1UJGQbEjpEOCRl73O4MizGDgN2gW9QwWOGXLNKf3nnEM0edPXxtGfhynzo85xhXW_iuP3bHYPAE5UMKbRhCLfh1r8gX2TeR43OHirEkOLX3Mul3oc_-ECiDuKkWv0mBUVYB3cyz/s1600-h/TEXTING.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 181px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilfSvtL1UJGQbEjpEOCRl73O4MizGDgN2gW9QwWOGXLNKf3nnEM0edPXxtGfhynzo85xhXW_iuP3bHYPAE5UMKbRhCLfh1r8gX2TeR43OHirEkOLX3Mul3oc_-ECiDuKkWv0mBUVYB3cyz/s320/TEXTING.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5365911955213570562" border="0" /></a><br />They say what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. That is, unless you send a text to me.<br /><br />The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last two months from across the country. To protect the "innocent," no names and dates are listed.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Can you bring me some clothes or have them delivered? I'm screwed!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Were you reverse cockblocking last night?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">We ARE a Hills episode.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">So those dudes came back and one of them crawled into bed with me! I thought it was her getting all lesbian with me. Who the fuck does that shit.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">So I went to bed at five AM last night and woke up three hours later with severely sore balls and black and blue marks on my arms.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Handjob? Blowjob? Lingus?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">They caught him jerking off on some assholes pizza.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">It's going down!</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Something/one will be going down.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I hope you will be able to walk okay today. If not, I apologize but that's part of my first date package.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Do you think if a girl shows up with condoms from a sex store that's slutty? Or should I stick with Trojans?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Is he cumming… I mean coming tomorrow?</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Wait I meant cumming.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Damn you sensitive romantic sweet girls who like sex!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">My urologist this morning while my pants were down: "Have you been working out?"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I told him that I bought condoms. He said he can only wear magnums. I said "but you're white!"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">A mystery increases for her as does panty wetness</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">He keeps telling me that you really need to use beads.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Tell him that he really needs to use condoms!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Your sketch knows no bounds. You are an equal opportunity banger.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Adding extra mouthwash, detergent and lube to my shopping list.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">This might turn into a full fledged bang, no?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">She would cockblock me at my own wedding.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">You really need to invest in a satellite phone for international sketch communication.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Bangings are a cummin.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I'm so glad he got it wet.</span><br /><br /><br />And my personal favorite text of June and July...<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Sorry, but my cock is too sore. Raincheck?</span>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-55080987200238264802009-06-29T19:10:00.000-07:002009-06-29T19:39:28.579-07:00Be The Match For John Huss to Post A Status UpdateThe inaugural HEY SOUL CLASSICS video production:<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/VPuCz17uTWY&hl=en&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/VPuCz17uTWY&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">A Hey Soul Classics Production</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Written & Directed by Noah Ruderman</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Featuring:</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Noah Ruderman</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Tricia Nicole Ingraham</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Michael Scalzo</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Stacey Parker Howard</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Xavier Kochhar</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Casey Preskitt</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Music by Kevin MacLeod</span><br /><br />Join the <a href="http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=93687702940">Facebook Group</a>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-25452497854609705202009-06-02T21:01:00.000-07:002009-06-03T09:16:26.695-07:00The Best Texts of MayThe biggest adjustment with my new iPhone has been texting. I'm still getting used to each person having their own page, which could lead to some dicey mishaps if you don't pay close attention.
<br />
<br />Something like what happened to Lizzy.
<br />
<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjffc0mTqpeNQbjqOJujChV-J2ePX7qxfgzGDrm4TkEzOXMntWhWafheIEHLG2clYGORSJ0lUogwFpElbELBmepeIHGETmiu0CIiFnNoJi-uEh62lJqT37i5BDujAhzCN5m1q7-HwtyjhsI/s1600-h/texting_gone_wrong.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 239px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjffc0mTqpeNQbjqOJujChV-J2ePX7qxfgzGDrm4TkEzOXMntWhWafheIEHLG2clYGORSJ0lUogwFpElbELBmepeIHGETmiu0CIiFnNoJi-uEh62lJqT37i5BDujAhzCN5m1q7-HwtyjhsI/s320/texting_gone_wrong.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342949230104329458" border="0" /></a>
<br />The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last month from across the country. To protect the "innocent", no names and dates are listed.
<br />
<br /><p class="EC_MsoNormal"><i> </i></p> <p class="EC_MsoNormal"><i>1. Walked by the office next to mine.<span style=""> </span>2.<span style=""> </span>Saw new name on the door.<span style=""> </span>3.<span style=""> </span>Looked her up on Facebook.<span style=""> </span>4.<span style=""> </span>Had access to her profile because we are both on same network.<span style=""> </span>5.<span style=""> </span>She has giant tits.</i></p><p class="EC_MsoNormal"><i>I am having a sign made for your bedroom door:<span style=""> </span>"</i><i>Do not disturb. </i><i>Sketch in progress.<span style=""> </span>"</i></p><p class="EC_MsoNormal"><i>Try to wash your balls in the sink.</i></p> <p class="EC_MsoNormal"><i>There aren't many places where I didn't kiss him.</i></p> <p class="EC_MsoNormal"><i>Sooooo drunk.<span style=""> </span>I am going to do her in the pooper.<span style=""> </span>That's the rule after 12 hours.</i></p> <p class="EC_MsoNormal"><i><span style=""></span></i></p><p class="EC_MsoNormal"><i>Will send when I get home.<span style=""> </span>I don't trust phone email with vag pictures.</i></p><p class="EC_MsoNormal"><i>I can't bang you tonight. I have a bar crawl.
<br /></i></p><p class="EC_MsoNormal"><meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CNOAHRU%7E1%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style></p> <p class="EC_MsoNormal"><i>The last time he had a date he couldn't pick her up because the wheel hadn't been invented yet.</i></p><p class="EC_MsoNormal"><i>That crazy drunk girl says I eat pussy like a champ!<span style=""> </span></i></p> <p class="EC_MsoNormal"><i>I see a banner week cumming.</i>
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<br /></p><p class="EC_MsoNormal">And the best text of May...</p><p class="EC_MsoNormal"><i>Not my bush, I don't have one.</i></p>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6452484836828052631.post-19341635307837274522009-06-01T08:45:00.000-07:002009-06-01T08:58:49.333-07:00Back at The Comedy StoreThe best part of my set from Friday night was hearing the group of black guys in the audience roaring with laughter.<br /><br />There is nothing better in this world than being accepted by the black man.<br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/dSUPgASRqu0&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/dSUPgASRqu0&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Noahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04275464173669669846noreply@blogger.com0