Hey Soul Classics

Unproduced Screenplay #6: "Approaching Storm" (2004)

2011-11-18T14:09:00.000-08:00

First off, apologies. My time between posting new blogs has been almost as long as two Kim Kardashian marriages. I'd like to give you a good reason like I was busy doing undercover work at a local high school 21 Jump Street style (1987 TV show style not 2012 feature film style) but the real reason is that I've been too busy listening nonstop to Kanye West & Jay Z's Watch the Throne album.

But I'm back and let's get right back to another one of my (many) unproduced screenplays.

In the summer of 2003 I began working with a producer who specialized in making cheap direct to video sequels of major feature films. He would buy unused film footage from the original film and combine that with newly shot footage to make the film look more expensive then it would actually cost (ie over $5.)

I was hired to write his direct to video sequel to The Perfect Storm, the 2000 George Clooney film adapted from the non-fiction book by Sebastian Unger, about the crew of the Andrea Gail, a fishing boat that was lost in a 1981 storm on its way back to Gloucester, Massachusetts.

The "sequel" was basically an entirely new fictional story complete with new characters (having the same characters would likely require a-*spoiler alert*-zombie aspect) set in the crab fishing town of Cordova, Alaska.

This is a 1984 flashback scene from the opening of the script.

Next up, my Die Hard/Clear and Present Danger inspired script about a President who takes the White House hostage called Legacy.

Unproduced Screenplay #6: "The Powers" (2000)

2011-08-10T08:30:00.000-07:00

The Powers was my first, and only since, attempt at writing an orginal television pilot.

It is a drama/comedy/thriller/mystery/action/horror/suspense/romance about Daniel Larson, a Los Angeles detective, who returns home to his small Connecticut town twenty years after his parents died from a car accident.

Or was it an accident? More importantly, why the hell are there a bunch of evil fallen angels running around town trying to kill people and how is Daniel the key to stopping them?

Here is the opening scene, a flashback to the day his parents died.

Next up, APPROACHING STORM, a script I was once hired to write as a sequel to The Perfect Storm. (Yes, I'm talking about the George Clooney movie.)

Unproduced Screenplay #5: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (2000)

2011-06-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

Freaks and Geeks, Seinfeld, Veronica Mars, Firefly, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Alias, Homicide... Some of my favorite television shows of all time.

But the one show that will always stand at the top is Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I started watching Buffy right after I graduated college in 1998 and never missed an episode until the show ended in May of 2003. The series included maybe the most realistic look at death ever put on television, season five's "The Body", one of the most original TV episodes ever produced, the almost dialogue-free Emmy nominated "Hush" from season four, James Marster's brilliant monologue from season seven, and, of course, my all time favorite episode of any television show-ever-period, the now classic musical episode from Season 6 "Once More With Feeling."

So of course I had to take my own stab (pun intended) at writing a Buffy screenplay.

Here is a scene from "That Campy Feeling," where the gang goes on a seemingly harmless camping trip and runs into some..well, trouble.

Next up, my second television script, an original pilot called The Powers.

Homeless Woman Heckler

2011-02-15T09:17:00.000-08:00

Last week I did a show in Santa Monica where I had my first experience dealing with a drunk homeless woman in the audience.

Obviously it was awesome.

Google

2011-02-03T09:13:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning really wanting to know how often lunar eclipses occur. Google almost got it right.

The JMom.com

2011-01-27T09:05:00.000-08:00

My mom recently discovered Facebook. I fear what's next.

Sign your mom up now.

Unproduced Screenplay #4: "The Most Gullible Man in America" (2000)

2011-01-20T09:00:00.000-08:00

My fourth unproduced screenplay is a comedy about a man named Abraham Lincoln (no relation to the president) who decides to dramatically change his life after finding out he has one week to live from being exposed to a dangerous sexually transmitted disease in prison (involuntarily) after being falsely accused of murdering a nun.

This scene takes place at the end of the film. Our hero, Abraham Lincoln, has just found out he's not dying of a rare STD from being raped in prison and after breaking up a conspiracy by his wife and brother to use his money to fund deviant sexual experimentation, he arrives at the hotel where Lana, the girl he's truly in love with, works.

I'm not sure what I'm more proud of. Being able to pay tribute to a classic moment in Dirty Dancing, one of my favorite films, or the final line of this scene "That penis gave me life and I don't ever plan on giving it back."

Click on each page to read.

Next up, my first television script for: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Unproduced Screenplay #3: "Loving Drew" (2000)

2011-01-18T09:00:00.000-08:00

My third unproduced screenplay tells the age old story of a detective who falls in love... with a devil worshipper.

This scene takes place during a police raid of a devil worshiping ceremony where John, the detective, runs into Drew, the devil worshipper.

Click on each page to read.

Next up, another comedy: The Most Guillible Man in America

Unproduced Screenplay #2: "Lie of Youth" (1999)

2011-01-11T09:20:00.000-08:00

My second unproduced screenplay was a drama inspired by one of my favorite films, 1980's Ordinary People.

Lie of Youth is the story of Daniel, a popular college senior who is expelled after his fraternity is involved in a hazing incident where a freshman accidentally dies. When he moves back home he finds himself falling for Emily, the high school sweetheart of the boy who died.

This scene takes place at a park playground between Daniel and Chris, his best friend from high school as Chris reminisces about the past.

Click on each page to read.

Next up, my first comedy: Loving Drew

Unproduced Screenplays

2011-01-05T08:31:00.000-08:00

Happy new year loyal blog reader! (You know who you are.) I know I've been slacking on this blog of late. That's mostly because I've been going on a lot of bad dates. But fear not because it's a new year. So besides a whole new slew of women who will cause me insurmountable pain, frustration, humiliation and different crescendo's of heartbreak, I promise to be a more active blogger.

And unlike that Laura girl who promised a second date, I plan on following through. (On a side note, Laura if you are reading this, I'm assuming you must have lost your phone and didn't get my texts/phone calls/voicemails. Send me a private message and we can reschedule. )

In the last thirteen years I've written a lot of screenplays. Most of which haven't been produced. In fact, I could count the number of scripts I've written that have actually been produced on one hand (if I had lost a couple of fingers in a horrible wood chipper accident.)

So that leaves me with a lot of unproduced screenplays. Screenplays that I spent a lot of time and effort on that will never get made. Screenplays that nobody will ever read.

Until now.

Well, at least partly. Over the next few months I'm going to post one scene from each of these scripts, starting from the very first back in 1998, when I was just 22 years old.

Looking back on the last 13 years of screenwriting, I've learned a lot. Mostly that sometimes it takes 13 years of screenwriting to realize that some of what you thought was brilliant at the time was... well, not so much.

Kind of like Laura. (But still send me a private message and we can maybe grab a drink or some tapas or something.)

Even so, there is a part of every one of these stories that I admire and that I'm proud of. I couldn't have got to where I am now without them.

So thanks.

Unproduced Screenplay #1: "Kill The Mascot" (1998)

My first screenplay started in a screenwriting class during senior year at college. Adapted from a novella I wrote after graduating high school, and inspired by countless high school movies I grew up with from the eighties, KILL THE MASCOT tells the story of Kurt, an awkward high school senior loner who falls for the mysterious, unpopular and suicidal Jennifer.

This three page scene is from the final third of the script and takes place in French class between Kurt and Heather, an attractive and popular cheerleader.

Click on each page to read.

Live at The Jon Lovitz Comedy Club

2010-08-31T09:08:00.000-07:00

(Mostly) new material, y'all!

Thanks to everyone who came out to support me. And of course all the wonderful girls I've dated.

Step Up

2010-08-03T08:45:00.000-07:00

The best films of the eighties all shared one common bond. From Porky's to Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Revenge of the Nerds, Weird Science, Lost Boys and Teen Wolf to The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Some Kind of Wonderful... All were movies that captured, at times brilliantly, what it meant to be young and filled with hope. The best films of the eighties reminded us of that innocent time in our lives where anything was possible.

In the nineties Hollywood attempted to resurrect the eighties teenage film with mixed results. The best films in that period, Clueless, Scream and American Pie were either tributes or parodies. But something was still missing. By the time She's All That premiered in 1999, it was safe to say the golden age of teenage movies was officially dead.

Flash forward to February of 2006 and the release of a little film called Step Up. The movie was set in Baltimore and told the story of the troublemaker teen Tyler Gage (Channing Tatum) who falls for the privileged dancer Nora Clark (Jena Dewan.) Exactly two years later, Step Up 2: The Streets came out, this time following a new dancer, Andie West (Briana Evigan), and her dream to be a street dancer. This coming Friday, Step Up 3D will be released and I couldn't be more excited.

Yes, these films can easily be dismissed as unsubstantive fluff filled with corny dialogue and cliched plot lines. But if you go back and look at how now classic eighties films were received when they were first released, many of the same things were said. In fact, many were true... just as they are now. But just like then, it simply doesn't matter.

Whether you like it or not, Step Up has a place in the cannon of modern cinema. And it's my opinion that there's a reason people like myself are drawn to these films. Besides the fantastic dance sequences and soundtracks, the hip hop dance drama is the last modern film genre to truly recall the hope and innocence of those eighties films we grew up with and loved.

It's the last vestige of a time where we didn't have to worry about terrorism, global warming and rent checks. A time where the most important thing in our lives was our dream... and the girl.

Rap Star

2010-07-20T09:38:00.000-07:00

So the other day I'm searching through some old scripts on my computer and I spot a file called "rap." Immediately I flashed back to the nineties and remembered my secret dream. Well besides the one where I have a three-way with 1978's Erin Grey and 1980's Phoebe Cates.

I'm talking about the dream where, just like so many Jewish white guys before me, I wanted to be a rap star.

So here is the unedited rap I wrote sometime last decade. My favorite line has to be the "Like a fresh kid, Wearing a bib." Pure gold.

If anyone has a connection to Eminem, maybe shoot him this link. I'm still available.

Rap
Lyrics by Noah Ruderman

Don’t have it all
Never needed it
Cause I can always quit
If I want
Maybe flaunt
Jaunt
Haunt
My mind
Behind
My heart
Below
Never slow, dough
Keeps rollin
Never holdin
Me down
Never round
Or wide
I’ll never hide
The way
The rule
Never caught being a fool
Because that’s the easy way
To die
Or cry
Never lie, cause my
high ain’t warranted
Like a fresh kid
Wearing a bib
On a chair
I stare, bare
In my lair
Don’t need that mess
I confess
Don’t clean up my mess
Cause when I’m done
Having fun, I’m gonna run
I'm gonna scream
Mean
Shouts of rage
Rip a page
Don’t need no wage
Or any boss
Never at a loss, or floss
So maybe I’ll crash
Or won’t last,
Maybe going too fast
Forgetting the past, cause it has
To repeat itself
Live a life of wealth
And choice
My voice is hoarse, never get a divorce
Cause I’ll stick, never stray
Never run away
And I’ll say
Hey, hey, hey

The Death of Lloyd Dobler

2010-07-12T09:25:00.000-07:00

In April of 1989 I was a skinny four-eyed teenager who loved reruns of Charles in Charge, Steven Seagal action movies and Twizzlers cherry licorice laces. If someone asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I would have answered "talk to a girl." Almost twenty years ago, I was an innocent, slightly socially awkward fourteen year-old without a dream.

And then one day I watched the preview for the film, Say Anything. And for some reason, I felt compelled to see it. With no girl to ask out and no guy willing to see such a ‘girlie’ movie, I decided to do something I'd never done before and rarely done since. I went to the movie theater alone.

One hour and forty-two minutes later, I was still innocent. I was still slightly socially awkward. I was still fourteen. But I was no longer without a dream. That was the first day I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to write characters like Lloyd Dobbler who said things like “I want to get hurt!” (Which became my all-time favorite movie line in my all-time favorite movie.)

Hell, I wanted to be Lloyd Dobbler.

As I grew up and moved to Los Angeles to pursue writing, Cameron Crowe's story of love found, lost and found again was never too far from my mind. When I went out on dates with girls (yes, I did finally talk to them) and later had actual girlfriends, I was always trying to live up to the heart of Lloyd’s character. And for a while, that was a good thing.

But then something changed. It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment or even if there was an exact moment, but all of a sudden everything I knew became everything I thought I knew. And everything I thought I knew amounted to a whole lot of nothing. And knowing a whole lot of nothing is a pretty darn good recipe for disappointment.

So what exactly happened? And who or what was to blame?

For a while I wasn’t sure. But then one night it hit me. It was MTV. More specifically, MTV’s “reality” show, The Hills.

As one of the few heterosexual fans of the show, I’ll admit to being entertained by the hollow, vain and narcissistic cast of conceited, swollen-headed and self-important douchebags and sorority girls. I’ll admit to getting sucked into the highfalutin, grandiose and farcical ‘drama” these characters became famous for. But while I was being entertained by the constant backstabbing, infighting, crossbreeding and maltreatment, I didn’t realize the true influence they were having.

Until I started dating.

While girls had once swooned for the sentimental, romantic and sweet gestures of a Lloyd Dobbler, they now were smitten by the dry, dispassionate and obnoxious gestures of a Justin Bobby. While girls had once held their breath anxiously hoping he would ask them out again that night and then call the next day or, even better, bright and early the next morning or, even better, five minutes after he kissed you goodnight and got in his car because he couldn’t wait any longer and he even had to pull over to the side of the road because he couldn’t concentrate on driving… they’re now turned off unless he disappears for a week and then calls late one night asking if they want him to stop by and when they say yes he doesn’t stop by but texts three days later saying he got caught up and maybe he’ll call again in a week or maybe he won’t but the whole time they are eating it up because he is mysterious, rebellious and exciting. And did I mention he drives a motorcycle?

Now before you get angry and upset because you are a girl who would be horrified and completely turned off by the behavior of the latter and instead have been desperately searching for someone like the former, let me be clear. You have now become the exception.

Somehow the ugly, vile egotism, shameless self-loving and contemptible behavior that permeates the spirit of a brainless show on MTV had managed to influence an entire population of girls, many of whom had probably never seen a single episode. It didn’t matter.

One of my close female friends recently met a guy she fell for. After attempting to text him about seeing him again and getting relatively blown off, she decided to call. His roommate answered and not only wouldn’t let her talk to him but actually PRETENDED TO BE HIM. It was as if she had fallen back into a world of infantile and immature high-school games. A world kind of like we see every week on The Hills.

My friend was smart. She immediately hung up and texted him back “Lose my number, you immature douchebag. I don’t have time for little boys and their games.” She then deleted his number.

But this got me thinking. What if this guy was just acting exactly as he is expected to act? What if he is not the advertised douchebag but instead a good person inside who only knew a world of disrespectful and childish game playing? What if he thought this is what she wanted? So I thought about these questions for a moment.

And then I got depressed.

So what is a guy like me to do when faced with this new reality? I could change. I could forget about Lloyd Dobbler. I could forget about that skinny four-eyed teenager walking out of the movie theater with a big smile on my face.

It wouldn’t be difficult or take much effort. I could suddenly become the contemptible, ill-mannered and coldhearted Justin Bobby many girls now crave. I could do that today and maybe everything would be easier.

Yes, I could do all those things. And yes, maybe everything would be easier. But I’m not going to.

I think I’m waiting for the girl who is the exception.

Live from Hollywood

2010-01-25T23:04:00.000-08:00

Thanks to everyone who came out to my winter shows. From Hermosa Beach to Hollywood and Culver City, I had a blast... After a brief hiatus to get my movie shooting on, I will be back.

A special thanks to my dating life. I couldn't have done it without you.

The Best Texts of 2009

2010-01-04T09:00:00.000-08:00

One day when I'm old(er) with kids, my child is going to google my name (by then they'll be able to do it from the computer chip implanted in their brain), find this blog post and...

I'm going to have some explaining to do.

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last twelve months from across the country. To protect the "innocent," no names and dates are listed.

My doctor this morning while my pants were down: "Have you been working out?"

She would cockblock me at my own wedding.

I just got booty texted by a girl I haven't spoken to in four years. It's as if she just sat back in her La-Z-Boy and asked "Hmm... What's the most random piece of ass I could have tonight?"

1. Walked by the office next to mine. 2. Saw new name on the door. 3. Looked her up on Facebook. 4. Had access to her profile because we are both on same network. 5. She has giant tits.

Odds that he's washed his sheets since the last bang? 6 to 5 against.

She then said "No condoms? Well... are you clean?"

"My response after seeing the picture of the girl he hooked up with last night: "Eeesh."

"Tell him to make sure to get her Facebook… It's the sketch trophy of 2009."

"Hooking up with that girl is like an inmate trying to talk himself into a jailhouse BJ."

And my personal favorite text of 2009...

Cockblocking is as offensive as genocide.

The Best Texts of August AND September

2009-10-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last two months from across the country. To protect the "innocent," no names and dates are listed.

There's an Asian girl at lunch named "Heaven Kim." Even a porn star would reject that name as too obvious.

Your last text suggested cockblocking and logistics issues, so I'm very glad it all cummed up roses.

Is spicy broccoli a good idea before a 2pm massage?

As he left the bar he gave the girl who rejected him the double middle finger and later hurled in the kitchen sink. Classy night all around.

Apparently she looked exactly like her picture on Facebook... in 1985!

He just sent me an email titled "Five dollar footlong." Before I opened it I knew it was a picture of a dump.

A hot Jewish girl just talked to me. Shocking.
A hot Jewish girl? That is shocking.

The only thing looser than my morals are my stools.

Did you enjoy your testicles last night?

I accidentally called a sex line last night. I was trying to call Toshiba because my computer is broken. I was one number off. Ooops.

And my personal favorite text of August and September...

Is it okay to tell a girl that you love her to get a BJ, but not sex?

Kato Kaelin introduces me on stage

2009-09-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

In my long recurring fantasy of this moment, it went a little differently.

companion

2009-09-07T19:26:00.000-07:00

It's been a long road to get here, and it will surely be a long road to the finish line, but this is where it all begins.

I'm happy to announce the production of companion, a short film that I wrote and will be directing at the start of 2010.

Loosely adapted from the short story, companion is the story of Alaina, a housewife living with painful regrets from her past.

This is definitely a departure for me, as it's most certainly not a comedy and it's also the first script I've ever written with a female lead.

I'll be teaming up with an extremely talented group of filmmakers, who will hopefully be able to mask all my shortcomings. For those technical buffs/film nerds, we'll be shooting the film in HD on a Sony HDV-V1U.

Look out for the official Facebook page soon, where you'll be able to follow the production from casting through production and beyond.

Casting begins in late October/early November so if you are an actor/actress or have a friend who is one, stay tuned for the official notice to submit. (As with all my productions, the casting couch will be in full effect.)

As a writer, there are always stories you want to tell. And then there are ones you have to.

Consider this the latter.

companion teaser from Noah Ruderman on Vimeo.

John Hughes 1950-2009

2009-08-06T19:18:00.000-07:00

I originally wrote this in college and then last year went back and rewrote it. Tonight it seems like a fitting tribute.

The New Classics

“When the causes of the decline of Western Civilization are finally writ, Hollywood will surely have to answer why it turned one of man’s most significant art forms over to the self-gratification of high schoolers.”

-review of The Breakfast Club, Variety, February 13, 1985

the eighties were the fifties
an aids free adventure in innocence
the promise of a good life
with video games

Mickey Rooney, Judy Garland, and Jackie Coogan
the Dead End Kids, the Bowery Boys
Debbie Reynolds and Natalie wood
the depression years of adolescence

then movies were made in the eighties
movies made for kids
by adults
born in the sixties

mr. dumb horny thirteen year old
at one time we fought over the draft
we feared the paranoia
JFK blown away
now we worry over being popular

Vietnam once our enemy
now we are at war again
this time with our parents
at home alone with the radio turned on

maybe it was home video that started the rage
we could hide out with slumber party massacre
turn off the lights
grab microwave popcorn
and watch fright night
again

our parents got rich
from the stock market
they got greedy
but greed did not play a part
in our subculture of film
our schoolyard
where jock could hang with the geek
and the princess could walk away with the bully

maybe it's in the faces
the looks
the blue of her eyes
the way he blinks
the way she sits alone on the grass

maybe it was the names
the stars and the sunglasses
we knew who they were
even before they did

maybe it's in the smile
or the way she swallows
how she crosses her t's
how he drives his new car
maybe

but it didn't have to be this way
we could have continued the way it was
Mash Nashville Taxi Driver
Sunday Bloody Sunday

We didn't need to pay Wes Craven
and John Hughes
to entertain us
we didn't need Ferris Bueller
or Jeff Spicoli
to tell us how to live

but maybe there was something missing
a dance
maybe we wanted to know
how to cry
maybe we were just confused
and needed a day off
to sleep

and yet these films were bad
criticized
ridiculed
cast away to one am spots on tbs
left to die

but yet they rise

they come back again
they can't let us forget
The Last American Virgin

our own father needs to feel worthy of living
validation for his part in this world
so in a way the best movies
the eighties most remembered times
help

we grow up still as who we were
and we remember times
through images
the prom lives again
is that what her eyes are for?

just like Lego's and Weird Science
GI Joe and License to Drive
Barbie and Heathers
Cabbage Patch and Halloween

like Carson and The Lost Boys
Cheerios and Real Genius
Scooby Doo and Teen Wolf
the Smurfs and Hardbodies

the eighties were the fifties
or maybe they weren't
maybe they meant nothing
just ten years of waiting
a decade lost on itself
maybe

"when you grow up, your heart dies"
we've heard it before, but Ally Sheedy was wrong
or maybe we've never grown up

RIP John.

The Best Texts of June AND July

2009-08-03T08:30:00.001-07:00

They say what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. That is, unless you send a text to me.

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last two months from across the country. To protect the "innocent," no names and dates are listed.

Can you bring me some clothes or have them delivered? I'm screwed!

Were you reverse cockblocking last night?

We ARE a Hills episode.

So those dudes came back and one of them crawled into bed with me! I thought it was her getting all lesbian with me. Who the fuck does that shit.

So I went to bed at five AM last night and woke up three hours later with severely sore balls and black and blue marks on my arms.

Handjob? Blowjob? Lingus?

They caught him jerking off on some assholes pizza.

It's going down!
Something/one will be going down.

I hope you will be able to walk okay today. If not, I apologize but that's part of my first date package.

Do you think if a girl shows up with condoms from a sex store that's slutty? Or should I stick with Trojans?

Is he cumming… I mean coming tomorrow?
Wait I meant cumming.

Damn you sensitive romantic sweet girls who like sex!

My urologist this morning while my pants were down: "Have you been working out?"

I told him that I bought condoms. He said he can only wear magnums. I said "but you're white!"

A mystery increases for her as does panty wetness

He keeps telling me that you really need to use beads.
Tell him that he really needs to use condoms!

Your sketch knows no bounds. You are an equal opportunity banger.

Adding extra mouthwash, detergent and lube to my shopping list.

This might turn into a full fledged bang, no?

She would cockblock me at my own wedding.

You really need to invest in a satellite phone for international sketch communication.

Bangings are a cummin.

I'm so glad he got it wet.

And my personal favorite text of June and July...

Sorry, but my cock is too sore. Raincheck?

Be The Match For John Huss to Post A Status Update

2009-06-29T19:10:00.000-07:00

The inaugural HEY SOUL CLASSICS video production:

A Hey Soul Classics Production
Written & Directed by Noah Ruderman

Featuring:
Noah Ruderman
Tricia Nicole Ingraham
Michael Scalzo
Stacey Parker Howard
Xavier Kochhar
Casey Preskitt
Music by Kevin MacLeod

Join the Facebook Group

The Best Texts of May

2009-06-02T21:01:00.000-07:00

The biggest adjustment with my new iPhone has been texting. I'm still getting used to each person having their own page, which could lead to some dicey mishaps if you don't pay close attention.

Something like what happened to Lizzy.

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last month from across the country. To protect the "innocent", no names and dates are listed.

1. Walked by the office next to mine. 2. Saw new name on the door. 3. Looked her up on Facebook. 4. Had access to her profile because we are both on same network. 5. She has giant tits.

I am having a sign made for your bedroom door: "Do not disturb. Sketch in progress. "

Try to wash your balls in the sink.

There aren't many places where I didn't kiss him.

Sooooo drunk. I am going to do her in the pooper. That's the rule after 12 hours.

Will send when I get home. I don't trust phone email with vag pictures.

I can't bang you tonight. I have a bar crawl.

The last time he had a date he couldn't pick her up because the wheel hadn't been invented yet.

That crazy drunk girl says I eat pussy like a champ!

I see a banner week cumming.

And the best text of May...

Not my bush, I don't have one.

Back at The Comedy Store

2009-06-01T08:45:00.000-07:00

The best part of my set from Friday night was hearing the group of black guys in the audience roaring with laughter.

There is nothing better in this world than being accepted by the black man.

iPhones and Cannibals

2009-05-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

From last months show in Santa Monica...

I'll be back at the Comedy Store in West Hollywood this Friday night. Belly Room, upstairs. Doors open at 8:30. Show starts at 9:00.

Imitation is Flattery?

2009-05-18T18:30:00.000-07:00

Here's a recent article from THE ONION, dated May 12, 2009:

Now here's a clip of my stand up from July of 2008:

Next check out the newest web sensation, TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT, a website the Cincinnati City Beat calls "a collection of anonymous texts that people send in to show how funny/stupid/drunk/slutty they are or their friends are," a website whose Facebook fan page boasts over 83,000 fans since its debut in February of 2009.

Now check out my Best Texts blog, also a collection of anonymous texts that show how funny/stupid/drunk/slutty myself or my friends are, now a regular feature of my blog since its debut in December of 2008.

What's next, guys imitating my patented "two and a half seconds in heaven" lovemaking technique?

Baby Steps

2009-05-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

I was at a Kentucky Derby party Saturday with my friends two-year-old daughter. One of my other friends saw me playing with her.

"Wow, I'm surprised you are so good with kids. I think you're going to be a great father."

"Thanks, but I think I need to go on a date first."

Techno-laziness

Technology can be a great thing but it can also breed laziness.

For example, consider this scene a couple weekends ago when I was walking back to a mall parking lot with my friends, both on opposite sides of me.

"Do you remember where I parked?"

"No, but I took a picture on my phone. Do you want to see it?"

"Yeah, but... you're all the way over there. Can you email it to my phone?"

Love at first shit

As many of you know, it sometimes seems impossible to meet that special someone, especially living here in Los Angeles. (Unless your special someone likes to wear jewelry on his jeans.)

So it's always nice to hear a sweet and romantic first meeting story between two people.

One of my coworkers was walking on the sidewalk to a club in Hollywood one night when, all of a sudden, he got drenched in what can only be described as human feces.

Immediately an attractive young female runs down the stairs of her apartment complex to apologize. Apparently her apartment had overflowed with sewage from the bathroom after her roommate made an extremely poor decision to flush her tampons down the toilet.

Obviously she felt terrible and in order to make it up to my friend, she gave him her number and offered to buy him a drink.

After he showered a few times of course.

The Best Texts of March AND April

2009-04-27T09:10:00.000-07:00

I apologize for my short absence.

I would love to say I was busy doing something exciting like traveling the world, scaling mountains, fighting bulls, wrestling gators, having affairs with royalty (male and female) and/or trying some type of hallucinogenic drug but alas, I can only claim to have been busy working and not having sex.

In other words, the usual.

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last two months from across the country. To protect the "innocent", no names and dates are listed.

She's hot but she doesn't have a facebook. Next!

Odds that he's washed his sheets since the last bang? 6 to 5 against.

His sheets need an HIV test.

If a crime ever happens at his apartment, it will be unsolvable. Too many different sets of DNA.

BJ x2.

Maybe his plan was to wait a month to appear disinterested and not desperate. If so, what a genius.

Agreed on all fronts. You need loosy goosy, not tighty whitey.

There are three explanations for his disappearance: 1) He went home to use the bathroom 2) He went to Jack in the Box 3) He is deceased.

What shape is your cock in?

The only fucking was a total mind-fuck.

In keeping with the theme of liking unavailable men… I think I have a crush on my priest.

Alcohol and iphone touchscreen don't mix.

And my personal favorite text of March and February...

She then said "No condoms? Well... are you clean?"

The worst acted, written and directed scene ever

2009-03-16T08:45:00.000-07:00

From Tension, a never completed thriller I wrote and directed senior year of college.

"The entire conversion process is covered by the co-ops system."

BROS BEFORE TACOS?

When one of my friends heard about the newest Los Angeles food craze, the Kogi BBQ taco truck, he made me pledge not to sample the tacos without him.

Flashforward to a week later when he's texting pictures of the truck to my phone while scarfing down multiple tacos.

Two weeks later I'm out of town while he goes to Venice and again proceeds to pig out on the apparently "delicious and heaven inspiring" tacos without me.

I guess honor among friends goes out the window when it comes to short rib tacos "swimming in a special marinade, chopped nice and small so the flavors dance on your taste buds."

To be fair, I would have done the same thing.

OVERHEARD LATE NIGHT

One of my girl friends was talking to a guy Friday night in Venice. After telling him that she lived in Brentwood, he told her he was staying with his friend. When she asked how that was going, he responded:

"I'd rather be sleeping on a couch in Brentwood."

And finally, I'll leave ya'll with this doozy, overheard a few weeks back.

"She's a dirty, filthy whore... But she's a real nice person."

The Best Texts of February

2009-03-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

One of my bff's recently got a new phone that keeps track of how many texts are sent back and forth between each person. As you can see, in the few months since he got the phone, there has been a lot of action between us (and also a lot of texts.)

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected this month from across the country. To protect the "innocent", no names and dates are listed.

So how many were from the 1002? Wouldn't you like to know...

I never called her... but I did bang her.

Tell her you are "open to other girl's joining."

I never kid about underage bisexual threesomes.

I found condoms that expired in April 2006 in my stash. Man, I need to get laid more often!

I love the strategic use of the word "cum" instead of "come."

My next google search: "How to password protect text history."

Taking a (spicy) dump, texting you and watching youtube. I love 2009.

I'm sure he has a five year plan with her… to get to first base.

Him, me, two chicks, weed.

I had a three way last night… chat on Facebook, that is.

Bean soup day at lunch. Tell her to put some toilet paper in the freezer.

My next goal: Text updates during lovemaking.

And my personal favorite text of February...

Cockblocking is as offensive as genocide.

The Comedy Store

2009-03-01T15:44:00.000-08:00

Check out my set from Friday night in the Belly Room.

Luckily, the video doesn't show my stage exit and subsequent tripping, knocking four drinks over a random girl.

Thankfully, she was ugly.

Detention

2009-02-22T22:24:00.000-08:00

Back in 1998 I wrote, directed, edited and co-starred in a short film called Detention.

The film told the age-old story of two college friends who decide to sneak back to high school, strictly for the girls... but end up getting detention instead.

My proudest accomplishment was writing the words and music for the end credits song, Love Theme from Detention. Not only did I play the guitar and sing the remarkably catchy song myself, I even overdubbed the chorus with my own harmony, meaning I was actually singing... with myself. (So in essence, it was like my sex life. )

Don't miss the closing dance number. It makes Slumdog Millionaire's look like a kindergarten recital.

Detention - Part I

Detention - Part II

"Love theme from Detention"

Somewhere out there, there's a place I could go
Somewhere out there, there's a girl I could know
I'd take her outside to the parking lot
I'd read her poetry until she made me stop

Oh girl, I know you're only fourteen years old
But, oh girl, it's just you I want to hold

Oh girl, in detention, in detention, in detention
Is where we'll make out
In detention is where we'll find love.

Blooper Reel

My Top Ten Movies of 2008

2009-02-14T20:58:00.000-08:00

There are certain things you can count on seeing in Los Angeles: Greased-up egotistical douchebags, Botoxed anorexic superficial women… and movies.

These are the ten best movies I've seen in 2008.

10) IRON MAN

A thrilling roller coaster ride, led by Robert Downey Jr., who deftly plays the title character with a frantic blitz of smarts, wit, charm and, most importantly, heart. Director Jon Favreau proves that all the special effects and explosions in the world won't make a superhero blockbuster entertaining (I'm talking to you Spiderman 3.) In the end, it's about character.

9) CHANGELING

Gran Torino was the more heralded of the movies Clint Eastwood directed this year, but Changeling is actually a much bolder and more mature film. Angelina Jolie's brilliant turn as a desperate mother is quietly heartbreaking, and Eastwood's deliberate pacing masterfully builds a horrifying sense of dread throughout.

8) THE READER

For a long time I struggled with this film, but in the end I realized that struggle was the very reason the movie was so important. Unlike other Nazis we've grown accustomed to seeing onscreen, Kate Winslet's character of Hannah Schmitz isn’t inherently evil. Rather, she is someone who did many evil things, which becomes the agonizing moral conflict that stirs in the heart of its characters.

7) REDBELT

Like all great David Mamet films, this story twists and turns until the moment you think you've figured it out, when it takes one unexpected final turn. Chiwetel Ejiofor is a revelation playing Mike Terry, a mixed martial arts instructor struggling to maintain his moral code in a world without one. As Terry falls deeper into a sordid web of greed and lies, he is saved by the only thing in the world he can trust, his honor.

6) MILK

Sean Penn's gives yet another remarkable performance as Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man elected to public office in the United States. Director Gus Van Sant cleverly allows Penn to explore this rich character, flaws and all, and in return we get a stirring and inspiring story of a man who had one dream, and that was to matter. The film is a beautiful testament to his life and to that fully realized dream.

5) THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON

David Fincher's backwards tale of life and death is visually stunning and overly ambitious, almost to a fault. But what could have been overwrought with melodrama and tired sentiment instead becomes a sobering and poignant look at the simple beauty of growing old… or young.

4) THE DARK KNIGHT

Simply put, Christopher Nolan's Batman sequel is nothing short of a masterwork that redefines the superhero genre. Filled with a depth largely unseen in past comic book films, Nolan's sweeping epic becomes a sordid and twisted portrait of the fragile nature of good and evil. Relentlessly exhilarating and mercilessly ambitious, Nolan never settles for easy answers, instead choking the audience with unsettling fear.

3) THE WRESTLER

The performance of the year, if not the decade, belongs to Mickey Rourke in this devastatingly raw story of a broken man longing for one last shot at redemption. Rourke plays Randy "The Ram" Robinson, a former wrestling star reduced to living off the faded glory of his past. With each genuine and honest moment, Rourke exudes an aching loneliness that will gently break your heart. But by the final moment, you can’t help but stand and cheer as a soul is reborn.

2) DEAR ZACHARY

Nothing can really prepare you for this true life and death story of filmmaker Kurt Kueene's childhood friend, Andrew Bagbay. Facing the darkest evil and the most profound sadness, Andrew Bagbay's parents remind us what true strength and courage are. At once disturbing and overwhelmingly heartbreaking, ultimately this is a story about the incomparable power of the human spirit.

1) SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

There are moments in life when everything can change.

One minute you're coasting on one path, spiraling towards one life, and then suddenly, that life vanishes, and you're faced with an entirely different path. When this moment strikes, some will turn their backs, afraid of taking that risk, fearful of letting go of their former life.

This is a story about someone who didn't.

Danny Boyle's masterpiece will take you on a journey that will leave you numb, breathless, uplifted and inspired. By the film's closing moments, even the most bitter cynic won't be able to resist succumbing to this stirring and heartfelt celebration of life.

Slumdog Millionare is a fairy tale about a boy from the slums of India who gets a chance to play for millions on a game show. But this isn't a film about winning money on a game show. Instead, this is a film about resilience. This is a film about determination. This is a film about hope. And yes, this is most certainly a film about love.

Life can be a struggle. There are times when it's filled with pain, sorrow and loss. There are times when losing hope seems so simple, when losing faith seems so easy. It's in these moments when you might feel that fate is against you. That destiny is not on your side.

But I think you'd be wrong.

I can't tell you that fate and destiny are real. I don't think anyone can. But what I do know is real are the people who lead you on that second path, without ever looking back. They're the ones who make everything worth it.

Someone taught me that once. This film reminded me.

Peace and love.

Noah

The Best Texts of January

2009-02-04T09:00:00.000-08:00

After the smashing success of my Best Texts of 2008 blog, (smashing=over five sober readers) I've decided to make this a regular entry.

Lucky for you, I had one hell of a January.

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected this month from across the country. To protect the "innocent", no names and dates are listed.

Please continue to send me your favorites and I'll post them in future blogs. If they make the cut, that is.

"My response after seeing the picture of the girl he hooked up with last night: "Eeesh."

"I love finding pictures of girls from my office on Facebook… In bikinis."

"I can't wait for the day we can text using the microchip implanted in our brain. It will be great during lovemaking."

"We already made out. More to cum." --->

----> "OH SHIT! The cum puns are cummin' out!"

"Tell him to make sure to get her Facebook… It's the sketch trophy of 2009."

"Ask her if she F's."

"Tell him to avoid the herp."

"All he does is have no money or job but bang."

"I am knee deep in BBWs."

"Is it weird to check out the name on a hot girl's boarding pass and then look her up on Facebook?"

"Hooking up with that girl is like an inmate trying to talk himself into a jailhouse BJ."

And my personal favorite text of January...

" Gotta love 'Mad Gas Mondays!' "

Douchebags who sip protein shakes in a thermos while driving to work

2009-01-29T07:45:00.000-08:00

I'm one of them!

RETURN TO STAND UP

For anyone thinking of performing comedy at the UnUrban Coffeehouse weekly comedy open mic in West Los Angeles, let me offer you a suggestion. DON'T.

Let me be more specific.

The UnUrban Coffeehouse open mic is WHERE COMEDY GOES TO DIE.

I initially thought this low key "hipster" spot would be a perfect place to sort out the kinks in my new set before I worked it into a real show. After all it had been months since I had been up on stage.

Unfortunately, I didn't count on playing to a room of left wing vegan nutjobs strung out on methadone and ginkgo biloba. Don't get me wrong, I voted for Obama but this is the same coffeehouse where the 9-11 conspirators hold their weekly meetings.

Here are the acts I followed:

A possible homeless man who brought a puppet on stage.

A guy who spent six minutes plotting how he wants to kill Bush. (I was worried the secret service would be busting down the door at any minute.)

A strung out tweaker who spent six minutes without reciting a SINGLE JOKE. His entire act consisted of going around the room asking people where they were from. When he reached the only cute girl in the room, he followed up that question with "Are you single?" After his set, he creepily followed the girl outside who literally ran to her bike and sprinted down the street like Lance Armstrong in the final mile of the Tour De France.

So how about my act?

I think I got more laughs at my last funeral.

COMING NEXT WEEK

By popular demand...

The Best Texts of January blog!

"Now I know why they call it a 'lay' over"

2009-01-20T18:18:00.000-08:00

The only way I can faithfully describe the sheer exhiliration I felt after reading this text was to imagine how Moses felt after he parted the Red Sea.

One of my east coast friends had managed to turn an extended business trip layover into a risque late night of debauchery with a mysterious lady stranger he had met only hours before at the airport.

Apparently when they met he asked why she was flying. She replied:

"I'm going to court for a D.U.I."

At that moment the sound a Vegas slot machine makes when you hit a ten million dollar jackpot rang through his head.

Four cocktails and two shots later, they were hotel room bound.

And the passengers on the U.S. Air flight thought they got lucky!

MOM ON FACEBOOK

Actual conversation I had with my mother after learning she joined Facebook.

ME:
"There is no way you will ever be my friend on Facebook."

MOM:
"Why not?"

ME:
"Because! I don't want you seeing wall posts from drunken one night stands."

MOM:
"Are they Jewish?"

COUNT THE MOVIE CLICHES

BE CAREFUL EVERYONE! THE BANK MIGHT GET YOU!

"Send a message. (Insert gunshot here.)"

"You would have to go outside the system of justice. (Insert door getting kicked open.)"

"They'll get to you... If they can't get to you, they'll get to your family! (Insert cute kids running into the arms of mom)"

"This isn't over... (Insert tearful head shake.)"

STAND UP IS BACK

Move over Dane Cook. My new set will be debuting/bombing in the next week!

Ten Years of Top Tens

2009-01-12T23:00:00.000-08:00

Over a decade ago, I emailed a list of my top ten films of the year (yes, they did have email back then) to about a dozen of my closest friends and relatives. It's been a tradition for me ever since.

Each one of these ten films that I chose as the years best is more then just a film to me. They are memories.

I'll always be able to watch them, but I'll never be able to capture that one simple moment when I walked out of the theater for the first time.

I think that's what makes them so special.

1998

Saving Private Ryan
"The real horror of war comes from the silence."

1999

Election
"Made with the same fanatic ambition it so deftly satires."

2000

Unbreakable
"A mysterious turn at every corner, a story that makes us wonder and imagine."

2001

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
"Watching this journey unfold is akin to inviting back your childhood dreams."

2002

Road to Perdition
"What begins as a simple gangster tale soon unravels into a complex saga of a father’s attempt to protect his son from the very life that may end his own. "

2003

All The Real Girls
"A naked look at the true helplessness that comes with true heartbreak."

2004

Garden State
"An unforgettable mix of characters, all fighting the demons of loneliness, guilt and regret "

2005

Munich
"There are no easy answers. Or, for that matter, any answers."

2006

United 93
"When it's all over, you understand. Not why evil prevailed that day, but why it didn't."

2007

Into the Wild
"A story of rebellion, of freedom, of self-discovery, of testing the limits of ones humanity, and, in the end, of finding truth."

2008

COMING SOON.

New Years Eve Car Wash

2009-01-03T11:10:00.000-08:00

My car had a rude welcome to the new year.

Motherf**kers who try to dis

2008-12-27T13:30:00.000-08:00

I would love to give a full and detailed explanation for this but I'm not sure that's possible.

GOODBYE 2008

I want to take this opportunity to thank each and everyone of my loyal blog readers. My continued inspiration comes directly from you. Both of you.

There are a lot of exciting things in store for 2009.

First off, I plan on getting laid.

I know I say that every year but I really mean it this time. I've even picked out the girl. She's an American Indian/Norwegian/Guatemalan BBW that I met on Craigslist while accidently clicking on the "Erotic Services" link. She's listed under "Mistress of pain."

I know what you're thinking. I don't need to pay for sex. But I think I lucked out because she isn't even charging me. I only have to bring 100 roses to her Compton hotel room and it's a done deal.

Coming soon to the blog, my (non) triumphant return to stand up comedy. I've just completed a new set of hilarious one liners and wacky puns that I will be bringing to the stage/Olive Garden very soon.

And of course, we're close to the most anticipated blog of the year, my top ten films of the year.

Last year marked the ten year anniversary since my debut list in 1998, when Saving Private Ryan took home the top honor. What film will be number one in 2008? The Love Guru? Meet Dave? Fools Gold? Stay tuned.

So as we say goodbye to 2008 and look forward to 2009, I'll leave you in the classiest way possible.

Overheard en route to a house party a few weeks ago:

"I got to get my dick wet tonight!"

Happy new year everyone.

Best Texts of 2008

2008-12-16T09:53:00.000-08:00

In the last twelve months I've personally received and been forwarded hundreds of texts from across the country, all hoping to make this distinguished list. In the end, only a select few could make the prestigious cut.

The following are all real texts, without edits. To protect the innocent, no names and dates are listed.

Well, maybe "innocent" isn't the right word.

“Awesome. Change your facebook status to “test came back negative.”

“My friends mom just walked in on me having sex. Fuck. I could be in trouble. Fuck.”

“Hey…sorry to hear it was a rough wk… On another note, I’d appreciate it if you don’t contact me anymore. Thanks.” (editors note, sent by a girl I was dating.)

"I put vaginal at 65%"

“Could you bring a bottle of Sprite or 7-Up? It’ll be used in conjunction w/ the condoms, don’t worry.”

“I think you had unrealistically high expectations for how a female trucker would look.”

“Bad female timing. Otherwise I’d bang the shit outta him. “

“SKETCHCON-5. Fuck the blonds… this is low-hanging fruit.”

"Laid the foundation for some wild times. Yes, I talked about the beads, in front of her brother.”

“No condom. This crazy chick kept telling me to cum in her.”

“If you don’t bang her you are not a patriot. Sarah Palin will be pissed.”

And my personal favorite text of 2008 is...

“There was a brief moment where I was thinking about checking out the other hole.”

The best wedding speech I've ever given

2008-12-04T18:06:00.001-08:00

And coincidentally, the only wedding speech I've ever given.

Why I Didn't Get Girls In High School

2008-11-12T23:08:00.001-08:00

Passport photo, senior year.

Tune in next week for my blog entitled, "Why I Didn't Get Girls In College."

Halloween

Overheard midnight of Halloween standing in the bathroom line at Social in Hollywood:

"I'm gonna kick that fool's ass."

"You want me to get him for you, homie? I'm going to jail next week anyway."

God bless Halloween, or as I call it, Valentines Day for single people.

PROP 8

After a week of reflection on what went wrong here in California (somewhat inspired, I recently wrote a short story), the fingers have started to point. First it was the Mormons fault, then the blacks... then the Jews.

To me it's a lot more simple. Who do I blame for passing Prop 8?

IGNORANT, BIBLE HUMPING PREJUDICED FUCKS.

NEVER TEAR US APART

I discovered that it's impossible to start listening to "Never Tear Us Apart" by INXS and walk away before it's done.

I know that sounds crazy but last week I was late for a meeting but still found myself frozen in my car seat until it was finished.

It's just that powerful.

PEOPLE YOU MAY KNOW

And finally, have you ever found yourself adding random friends of an old crush on Facebook so that you'd eventually show up on her "People You May Know" and when she saw your face she'd finally realize you were meant to be together?

I've never done that myself. I was just wondering.

Top Ten Halloween Night Certainties

2008-10-27T23:33:00.000-07:00

10) One of your female friends will make out with a random guy… strictly for the Facebook picture.

9) One of your female friends will make out with a random girl… strictly for the Facebook picture.

8) One in five females will find themselves saying: “I don’t usually do this.”

7) One in ten males will find themselves saying: “This doesn’t mean I’m gay.”

6) One in ten females will try a certain sexual act for the first time because the guy “accidentally missed."

5) One in four males will get slapped before shouting: “I thought you said swallow!"

4) One of your guy friends will ask the girl in his bed the next morning why she is still wearing her demon mask… to which she’ll respond “I’m not.”

3) The Sarah Palin costume will be more overexposed then… Sarah Palin.

2) One of your guy friends will make out with a girl dressed as Sarah Palin… but will be thinking of Hillary Clinton.

1) I’ll have a 15% better chance of hooking up then a usual night, putting my total chance of hooking up at… 15%.

Welcome to the new digs

2008-10-14T10:17:00.000-07:00

A girly shot goes to the first person to figure out where I got the title from.

And no googling!

The Random Dude

2008-10-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks back, I’m hanging with a friend at a bar before we head to a birthday party. Moments after I arrive, a man walks over and introduces himself.

He is the random dude.

After some small talk, my friend (for the purposes of this blog, let's call him Bill) decides it’s time to leave and head to the party. Bill asks the girl he was talking to if she’d like to join us and she accepts his offer.

That’s when the random dude turns to me and says:

“Just so you know, I’m not driving tonight.”

Needless to say, hearing these words was alarming and disconcerting on multiple levels. As I turned to give Bill the extended stare/distress signal, the random dude spoke again:

“So is it cool, then?”

I decided to play the ignorant card.

“Is… what… cool?”

He quickly answered.

“You know… If I came along.”

My worst fears had been realized. In just seconds, we were approaching a social DEFCON FOUR situation.

I had to think fast.

“We may not be coming back later so I don’t know if I’ll be able to give you a ride home.”

Without missing a beat, he responded:

“That’s why they invented cabs.”

Apparently this was no ordinary random dude.

So now I’m sitting alone in my car with the random dude, waiting for Bill and the girl.

As I fumbled with the radio, the random dude broke up the awkward silence:

“Do you want to see a picture of a dead body on my phone?”

I’m not sure what was more disturbing, that the random dude had a picture of a dead body on his phone or that he wanted to show it to me.

Fast forward to the end of the night and we’re driving home.

Both Bill and the girl are now slightly to heavily intoxicated and I’m guesstimating the chances of them hooking up to be over 94%, mainly because when I drive them back to his place she will realize that she can’t drive home in her state.

In conclusion, the logistics, normally the most daunting obstacle of the LA bar hookup, were near perfect. It would almost take an act from god to screw this up.

Or perhaps a random dude.

Midway through the ride, the random dude turns his head and shouts:

“Hey, isn't that your apartment?!”

Apparently she had made the mistake of telling the random dude where she lived. She looked up.

"It sure is! Do you mind dropping me off and I'll pick up my car in the morning?"

I reluctantly pulled over and, as the girl opened the door, the random dude turned to Bill and noticed his look of utter disdain.

“Wait… You like her right?! Maybe, you should walk her to the door!”

Bill cringed as the girl had yet to exit.

An ackward smile ensued and then she was gone.

I immediately stepped on the gas and the random dude looked at me.

“Oh God. Did I just cock block?”

I responded.

“Only literally.”

If you're wondering what the Superdome in New Orleans was like during Katrina, stop by the Trader Joe's in Santa Monica on any Sunday afternoon.

And finally... Spotted Friday night at South in Santa Monica: Six tight V-neck wearing dudes huddled around a single fruity cocktail in a fishbowl, simultaneously sipping on six pink straws.

In other words, they were sipping away both their drink and what remained of their heterosexuality at the same time.

The hottest girl in my class

2008-09-02T01:42:00.000-07:00

While moving an old suitcase today, a crumbled piece of pink paper fell to the floor. And even before I picked it up, I knew exactly what it was.

In college there was one task I'd make sure to accomplish at the start of every semester. It wasn't buying the right textbook or studying the lesson plan. It was deciding who the hottest girl in each of my classes was.

This accomplished two independent goals. First, it immediately narrowed down my crush prospect which helped pass many tedious hours, especially in the doldrums of "Environmental Geology" and "Intro to Socialist Nihilism." (I still haven't figured that one out.) Second, I knew right away the one girl I'd never speak to the entire semester.

In the winter of my senior year, in one of my communication classes, that girl was Sara.

Sure enough, I had spent the entire semester thinking about her, yet hadn't said a single word to her. And so, on the last day of classes, moments after the professor wished everyone a happy new year and said goodbye, I turned my head and watched as Sara grabbed her books.

And then I did something most unexpected.

I spoke.

At first I wasn't sure if I was talking specifically to her or simply out loud. She was probably thinking the same thing as she looked over, slightly confused. But then she did something most unexpected.

She smiled.

We walked out of class together and she invited me into her car. And unlike the last time, when it was a graying professor in a van, I didn't foresee a hospital visit and counseling if I accepted the offer.

For the next two hours we sat in her parked car and talked. By the time she turned the key and finally drove me the two and half blocks home, the city was dark. She pulled over beside my apartment and smiled once again. And then she did something even more unexpected than the two previously mentioned unexpected things.

She ripped off a piece of a paper from her notebook and scribbled her name and number.

"Call me." She said.

And so I did. And we went out a few times over the next few weeks. But this isn't a story about a relationship or even a story about a girl I once knew. No…

This is a story about a moment where the hottest girl in my class gave me her number.

And that's what I'll always remember.

The box of porn

2008-09-02T01:41:00.000-07:00

Whether it's packed underneath your bed, stuck in the back corner of your closet or hidden under the loose floorboard five paces from twelve feet across the second red dot on your back wall... if you're a male who hit puberty before DVD's and the internet, somewhere in your room exists a dusty box labeled "Memories of Grandma."

But inside the only grandma that can be found is the one getting double stuffed, possibly by a midget or ebony princess.

I'm talking of course about the box of porn. Depending on when your collection began (mine dates back to the fall of 89), inside this living time capsule of sketch exists a decades long compilation of wondrous filth.

In preparation for my upcoming move, I happened upon my own box this weekend while cleaning out my closet. As I turned on Beethoven's symphony number 9 (the Herbert Von Karajan composed version) and proceeded to slowly open the box, a tear slid down my cheek.

Seeing the early 90's work of legends like Jasmin St. Claire and Wendy Whoppers, I felt like I was in my own version of "A Christmas Carol." The last twenty years of my life were suddenly flashing before my eyes.

And for a moment I wondered what to do with the box. Maybe it was time to say goodbye to the past and move on to a bright future filled with HD. But then I thought of the one day when I would sit my own son down and hand him this very box, just like my father did before me and his father before that.

And while that statement is not entirely accurate (both my father and his father never gave me any porn and/or a porn box of any kind) I can think of no better father son bond. (Unless of course, my son turns out to be gay in which case the moment might get a tad ackward.)

And so, as I wrapped the box with a fresh piece of tape and changed the fading label to "My African Vacation," I said goodbye to Jasmin and Wendy.

For now.