Douchebags who sip protein shakes in a thermos while driving to work

I'm one of them!

RETURN TO STAND UP

For anyone thinking of performing comedy at the UnUrban Coffeehouse weekly comedy open mic in West Los Angeles, let me offer you a suggestion. DON'T.

Let me be more specific.

The UnUrban Coffeehouse open mic is WHERE COMEDY GOES TO DIE.

I initially thought this low key "hipster" spot would be a perfect place to sort out the kinks in my new set before I worked it into a real show. After all it had been months since I had been up on stage.

Unfortunately, I didn't count on playing to a room of left wing vegan nutjobs strung out on methadone and ginkgo biloba. Don't get me wrong, I voted for Obama but this is the same coffeehouse where the 9-11 conspirators hold their weekly meetings.

Here are the acts I followed:

A possible homeless man who brought a puppet on stage.

A guy who spent six minutes plotting how he wants to kill Bush. (I was worried the secret service would be busting down the door at any minute.)

A strung out tweaker who spent six minutes without reciting a SINGLE JOKE. His entire act consisted of going around the room asking people where they were from. When he reached the only cute girl in the room, he followed up that question with "Are you single?" After his set, he creepily followed the girl outside who literally ran to her bike and sprinted down the street like Lance Armstrong in the final mile of the Tour De France.

So how about my act?

I think I got more laughs at my last funeral.

COMING NEXT WEEK

By popular demand...

The Best Texts of January blog!

"Now I know why they call it a 'lay' over"

The only way I can faithfully describe the sheer exhiliration I felt after reading this text was to imagine how Moses felt after he parted the Red Sea.

One of my east coast friends had managed to turn an extended business trip layover into a risque late night of debauchery with a mysterious lady stranger he had met only hours before at the airport.

Apparently when they met he asked why she was flying. She replied:

"I'm going to court for a D.U.I."

At that moment the sound a Vegas slot machine makes when you hit a ten million dollar jackpot rang through his head.

Four cocktails and two shots later, they were hotel room bound.

And the passengers on the U.S. Air flight thought they got lucky!


MOM ON FACEBOOK

Actual conversation I had with my mother after learning she joined Facebook.

ME:
"There is no way you will ever be my friend on Facebook."

MOM:
"Why not?"

ME:
"Because! I don't want you seeing wall posts from drunken one night stands."

MOM:
"Are they Jewish?"


COUNT THE MOVIE CLICHES

BE CAREFUL EVERYONE! THE BANK MIGHT GET YOU!



"Send a message. (Insert gunshot here.)"

"You would have to go outside the system of justice. (Insert door getting kicked open.)"

"They'll get to you... If they can't get to you, they'll get to your family! (Insert cute kids running into the arms of mom)"

"This isn't over... (Insert tearful head shake.)"


STAND UP IS BACK

Move over Dane Cook. My new set will be debuting/bombing in the next week!

Ten Years of Top Tens

Over a decade ago, I emailed a list of my top ten films of the year (yes, they did have email back then) to about a dozen of my closest friends and relatives. It's been a tradition for me ever since.

Each one of these ten films that I chose as the years best is more then just a film to me. They are memories.

I'll always be able to watch them, but I'll never be able to capture that one simple moment when I walked out of the theater for the first time.

I think that's what makes them so special.

1998

Saving Private Ryan
"The real horror of war comes from the silence."

1999

Election
"Made with the same fanatic ambition it so deftly satires."

2000

Unbreakable
"A mysterious turn at every corner, a story that makes us wonder and imagine."

2001

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
"Watching this journey unfold is akin to inviting back your childhood dreams."

2002

Road to Perdition
"What begins as a simple gangster tale soon unravels into a complex saga of a father’s attempt to protect his son from the very life that may end his own. "

2003

All The Real Girls
"A naked look at the true helplessness that comes with true heartbreak."

2004

Garden State
"An unforgettable mix of characters, all fighting the demons of loneliness, guilt and regret "

2005

Munich
"There are no easy answers. Or, for that matter, any answers."

2006

United 93
"When it's all over, you understand. Not why evil prevailed that day, but why it didn't."

2007

Into the Wild
"A story of rebellion, of freedom, of self-discovery, of testing the limits of ones humanity, and, in the end, of finding truth."


2008

COMING SOON.

New Years Eve Car Wash

My car had a rude welcome to the new year.

Motherf**kers who try to dis

I would love to give a full and detailed explanation for this but I'm not sure that's possible.

GOODBYE 2008

I want to take this opportunity to thank each and everyone of my loyal blog readers. My continued inspiration comes directly from you. Both of you.

There are a lot of exciting things in store for 2009.

First off, I plan on getting laid.

I know I say that every year but I really mean it this time. I've even picked out the girl. She's an American Indian/Norwegian/Guatemalan BBW that I met on Craigslist while accidently clicking on the "Erotic Services" link. She's listed under "Mistress of pain."

I know what you're thinking. I don't need to pay for sex. But I think I lucked out because she isn't even charging me. I only have to bring 100 roses to her Compton hotel room and it's a done deal.

Coming soon to the blog, my (non) triumphant return to stand up comedy. I've just completed a new set of hilarious one liners and wacky puns that I will be bringing to the stage/Olive Garden very soon.

And of course, we're close to the most anticipated blog of the year, my top ten films of the year.

Last year marked the ten year anniversary since my debut list in 1998, when Saving Private Ryan took home the top honor. What film will be number one in 2008? The Love Guru? Meet Dave? Fools Gold? Stay tuned.

So as we say goodbye to 2008 and look forward to 2009, I'll leave you in the classiest way possible.

Overheard en route to a house party a few weeks ago:

"I got to get my dick wet tonight!"


Happy new year everyone.

Best Texts of 2008

In the last twelve months I've personally received and been forwarded hundreds of texts from across the country, all hoping to make this distinguished list. In the end, only a select few could make the prestigious cut.

The following are all real texts, without edits. To protect the innocent, no names and dates are listed.

Well, maybe "innocent" isn't the right word.

“Awesome. Change your facebook status to “test came back negative.”

“My friends mom just walked in on me having sex. Fuck. I could be in trouble. Fuck.”

“Hey…sorry to hear it was a rough wk… On another note, I’d appreciate it if you don’t contact me anymore. Thanks.” (editors note, sent by a girl I was dating.)

"I put vaginal at 65%"

“Could you bring a bottle of Sprite or 7-Up? It’ll be used in conjunction w/ the condoms, don’t worry.”

“I think you had unrealistically high expectations for how a female trucker would look.”

“Bad female timing. Otherwise I’d bang the shit outta him. “

“SKETCHCON-5. Fuck the blonds… this is low-hanging fruit.”

"Laid the foundation for some wild times. Yes, I talked about the beads, in front of her brother.”

“No condom. This crazy chick kept telling me to cum in her.”

“If you don’t bang her you are not a patriot. Sarah Palin will be pissed.”


And my personal favorite text of 2008 is...

“There was a brief moment where I was thinking about checking out the other hole.”

The best wedding speech I've ever given

And coincidentally, the only wedding speech I've ever given.