The Best Texts of May

The biggest adjustment with my new iPhone has been texting. I'm still getting used to each person having their own page, which could lead to some dicey mishaps if you don't pay close attention.

Something like what happened to Lizzy.


The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last month from across the country. To protect the "innocent", no names and dates are listed.

1. Walked by the office next to mine. 2. Saw new name on the door. 3. Looked her up on Facebook. 4. Had access to her profile because we are both on same network. 5. She has giant tits.

I am having a sign made for your bedroom door: "Do not disturb. Sketch in progress. "

Try to wash your balls in the sink.

There aren't many places where I didn't kiss him.

Sooooo drunk. I am going to do her in the pooper. That's the rule after 12 hours.

Will send when I get home. I don't trust phone email with vag pictures.

I can't bang you tonight. I have a bar crawl.

The last time he had a date he couldn't pick her up because the wheel hadn't been invented yet.

That crazy drunk girl says I eat pussy like a champ!

I see a banner week cumming.

And the best text of May...

Not my bush, I don't have one.