The Best Texts of June AND July

They say what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. That is, unless you send a text to me.

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last two months from across the country. To protect the "innocent," no names and dates are listed.

Can you bring me some clothes or have them delivered? I'm screwed!

Were you reverse cockblocking last night?

We ARE a Hills episode.

So those dudes came back and one of them crawled into bed with me! I thought it was her getting all lesbian with me. Who the fuck does that shit.

So I went to bed at five AM last night and woke up three hours later with severely sore balls and black and blue marks on my arms.

Handjob? Blowjob? Lingus?

They caught him jerking off on some assholes pizza.

It's going down!
Something/one will be going down.

I hope you will be able to walk okay today. If not, I apologize but that's part of my first date package.

Do you think if a girl shows up with condoms from a sex store that's slutty? Or should I stick with Trojans?

Is he cumming… I mean coming tomorrow?
Wait I meant cumming.

Damn you sensitive romantic sweet girls who like sex!

My urologist this morning while my pants were down: "Have you been working out?"

I told him that I bought condoms. He said he can only wear magnums. I said "but you're white!"

A mystery increases for her as does panty wetness

He keeps telling me that you really need to use beads.
Tell him that he really needs to use condoms!

Your sketch knows no bounds. You are an equal opportunity banger.

Adding extra mouthwash, detergent and lube to my shopping list.

This might turn into a full fledged bang, no?

She would cockblock me at my own wedding.

You really need to invest in a satellite phone for international sketch communication.

Bangings are a cummin.

I'm so glad he got it wet.


And my personal favorite text of June and July...

Sorry, but my cock is too sore. Raincheck?