The Best Texts of August AND September

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last two months from across the country. To protect the "innocent," no names and dates are listed.

There's an Asian girl at lunch named "Heaven Kim." Even a porn star would reject that name as too obvious.

Your last text suggested cockblocking and logistics issues, so I'm very glad it all cummed up roses.

Is spicy broccoli a good idea before a 2pm massage?

As he left the bar he gave the girl who rejected him the double middle finger and later hurled in the kitchen sink. Classy night all around.

Apparently she looked exactly like her picture on Facebook... in 1985!

He just sent me an email titled "Five dollar footlong." Before I opened it I knew it was a picture of a dump.

A hot Jewish girl just talked to me. Shocking.
A hot Jewish girl? That is shocking.

The only thing looser than my morals are my stools.

Did you enjoy your testicles last night?

I accidentally called a sex line last night. I was trying to call Toshiba because my computer is broken. I was one number off. Ooops.

And my personal favorite text of August and September...

Is it okay to tell a girl that you love her to get a BJ, but not sex?