Live from Hollywood

Thanks to everyone who came out to my winter shows. From Hermosa Beach to Hollywood and Culver City, I had a blast... After a brief hiatus to get my movie shooting on, I will be back.

A special thanks to my dating life. I couldn't have done it without you.

The Best Texts of 2009

One day when I'm old(er) with kids, my child is going to google my name (by then they'll be able to do it from the computer chip implanted in their brain), find this blog post and...

I'm going to have some explaining to do.

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last twelve months from across the country. To protect the "innocent," no names and dates are listed.

My doctor this morning while my pants were down: "Have you been working out?"

She would cockblock me at my own wedding.

I just got booty texted by a girl I haven't spoken to in four years. It's as if she just sat back in her La-Z-Boy and asked "Hmm... What's the most random piece of ass I could have tonight?"

1. Walked by the office next to mine. 2. Saw new name on the door. 3. Looked her up on Facebook. 4. Had access to her profile because we are both on same network. 5. She has giant tits.

Odds that he's washed his sheets since the last bang? 6 to 5 against.

She then said "No condoms? Well... are you clean?"

"My response after seeing the picture of the girl he hooked up with last night: "Eeesh."

"Tell him to make sure to get her Facebook… It's the sketch trophy of 2009."

"Hooking up with that girl is like an inmate trying to talk himself into a jailhouse BJ."

And my personal favorite text of 2009...


Cockblocking is as offensive as genocide.

The Best Texts of August AND September

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last two months from across the country. To protect the "innocent," no names and dates are listed.

There's an Asian girl at lunch named "Heaven Kim." Even a porn star would reject that name as too obvious.

Your last text suggested cockblocking and logistics issues, so I'm very glad it all cummed up roses.

Is spicy broccoli a good idea before a 2pm massage?

As he left the bar he gave the girl who rejected him the double middle finger and later hurled in the kitchen sink. Classy night all around.

Apparently she looked exactly like her picture on Facebook... in 1985!

He just sent me an email titled "Five dollar footlong." Before I opened it I knew it was a picture of a dump.

A hot Jewish girl just talked to me. Shocking.
A hot Jewish girl? That is shocking.

The only thing looser than my morals are my stools.

Did you enjoy your testicles last night?

I accidentally called a sex line last night. I was trying to call Toshiba because my computer is broken. I was one number off. Ooops.

And my personal favorite text of August and September...

Is it okay to tell a girl that you love her to get a BJ, but not sex?

Kato Kaelin introduces me on stage

In my long recurring fantasy of this moment, it went a little differently.

companion

It's been a long road to get here, and it will surely be a long road to the finish line, but this is where it all begins.

I'm happy to announce the production of companion, a short film that I wrote and will be directing at the start of 2010.

Loosely adapted from the short story, companion is the story of Alaina, a housewife living with painful regrets from her past.

This is definitely a departure for me, as it's most certainly not a comedy and it's also the first script I've ever written with a female lead.

I'll be teaming up with an extremely talented group of filmmakers, who will hopefully be able to mask all my shortcomings. For those technical buffs/film nerds, we'll be shooting the film in HD on a Sony HDV-V1U.

Look out for the official Facebook page soon, where you'll be able to follow the production from casting through production and beyond.

Casting begins in late October/early November so if you are an actor/actress or have a friend who is one, stay tuned for the official notice to submit. (As with all my productions, the casting couch will be in full effect.)

As a writer, there are always stories you want to tell. And then there are ones you have to.

Consider this the latter.

companion teaser from Noah Ruderman on Vimeo.

John Hughes 1950-2009

I originally wrote this in college and then last year went back and rewrote it. Tonight it seems like a fitting tribute.

The New Classics

“When the causes of the decline of Western Civilization are finally writ, Hollywood will surely have to answer why it turned one of man’s most significant art forms over to the self-gratification of high schoolers.”

-review of The Breakfast Club, Variety, February 13, 1985

the eighties were the fifties
an aids free adventure in innocence
the promise of a good life
with video games

Mickey Rooney, Judy Garland, and Jackie Coogan
the Dead End Kids, the Bowery Boys
Debbie Reynolds and Natalie wood
the depression years of adolescence

then movies were made in the eighties
movies made for kids
by adults
born in the sixties

mr. dumb horny thirteen year old
at one time we fought over the draft
we feared the paranoia
JFK blown away
now we worry over being popular

Vietnam once our enemy
now we are at war again
this time with our parents
at home alone with the radio turned on

maybe it was home video that started the rage
we could hide out with slumber party massacre
turn off the lights
grab microwave popcorn
and watch fright night
again

our parents got rich
from the stock market
they got greedy
but greed did not play a part
in our subculture of film
our schoolyard
where jock could hang with the geek
and the princess could walk away with the bully

maybe it's in the faces
the looks
the blue of her eyes
the way he blinks
the way she sits alone on the grass

maybe it was the names
the stars and the sunglasses
we knew who they were
even before they did

maybe it's in the smile
or the way she swallows
how she crosses her t's
how he drives his new car
maybe

but it didn't have to be this way
we could have continued the way it was
Mash Nashville Taxi Driver
Sunday Bloody Sunday

We didn't need to pay Wes Craven
and John Hughes
to entertain us
we didn't need Ferris Bueller
or Jeff Spicoli
to tell us how to live

but maybe there was something missing
a dance
maybe we wanted to know
how to cry
maybe we were just confused
and needed a day off
to sleep

and yet these films were bad
criticized
ridiculed
cast away to one am spots on tbs
left to die

but yet they rise

they come back again
they can't let us forget
The Last American Virgin

our own father needs to feel worthy of living
validation for his part in this world
so in a way the best movies
the eighties most remembered times
help

we grow up still as who we were
and we remember times
through images
the prom lives again
is that what her eyes are for?

just like Lego's and Weird Science
GI Joe and License to Drive
Barbie and Heathers
Cabbage Patch and Halloween

like Carson and The Lost Boys
Cheerios and Real Genius
Scooby Doo and Teen Wolf
the Smurfs and Hardbodies

the eighties were the fifties
or maybe they weren't
maybe they meant nothing
just ten years of waiting
a decade lost on itself
maybe

"when you grow up, your heart dies"
we've heard it before, but Ally Sheedy was wrong
or maybe we've never grown up

RIP John.

The Best Texts of June AND July

They say what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. That is, unless you send a text to me.

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last two months from across the country. To protect the "innocent," no names and dates are listed.

Can you bring me some clothes or have them delivered? I'm screwed!

Were you reverse cockblocking last night?

We ARE a Hills episode.

So those dudes came back and one of them crawled into bed with me! I thought it was her getting all lesbian with me. Who the fuck does that shit.

So I went to bed at five AM last night and woke up three hours later with severely sore balls and black and blue marks on my arms.

Handjob? Blowjob? Lingus?

They caught him jerking off on some assholes pizza.

It's going down!
Something/one will be going down.

I hope you will be able to walk okay today. If not, I apologize but that's part of my first date package.

Do you think if a girl shows up with condoms from a sex store that's slutty? Or should I stick with Trojans?

Is he cumming… I mean coming tomorrow?
Wait I meant cumming.

Damn you sensitive romantic sweet girls who like sex!

My urologist this morning while my pants were down: "Have you been working out?"

I told him that I bought condoms. He said he can only wear magnums. I said "but you're white!"

A mystery increases for her as does panty wetness

He keeps telling me that you really need to use beads.
Tell him that he really needs to use condoms!

Your sketch knows no bounds. You are an equal opportunity banger.

Adding extra mouthwash, detergent and lube to my shopping list.

This might turn into a full fledged bang, no?

She would cockblock me at my own wedding.

You really need to invest in a satellite phone for international sketch communication.

Bangings are a cummin.

I'm so glad he got it wet.


And my personal favorite text of June and July...

Sorry, but my cock is too sore. Raincheck?