The Best Texts of March AND April

I apologize for my short absence.

I would love to say I was busy doing something exciting like traveling the world, scaling mountains, fighting bulls, wrestling gators, having affairs with royalty (male and female) and/or trying some type of hallucinogenic drug but alas, I can only claim to have been busy working and not having sex.

In other words, the usual.

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last two months from across the country. To protect the "innocent", no names and dates are listed.

She's hot but she doesn't have a facebook. Next!

Odds that he's washed his sheets since the last bang? 6 to 5 against.

His sheets need an HIV test.

If a crime ever happens at his apartment, it will be unsolvable. Too many different sets of DNA.

BJ x2.

Maybe his plan was to wait a month to appear disinterested and not desperate. If so, what a genius.

Agreed on all fronts. You need loosy goosy, not tighty whitey.

There are three explanations for his disappearance: 1) He went home to use the bathroom 2) He went to Jack in the Box 3) He is deceased.

What shape is your cock in?

The only fucking was a total mind-fuck.

In keeping with the theme of liking unavailable men… I think I have a crush on my priest.

Alcohol and iphone touchscreen don't mix.


And my personal favorite text of March and February...

She then said "No condoms? Well... are you clean?"