Be The Match For John Huss to Post A Status Update

The inaugural HEY SOUL CLASSICS video production:




A Hey Soul Classics Production
Written & Directed by Noah Ruderman

Featuring:
Noah Ruderman
Tricia Nicole Ingraham
Michael Scalzo
Stacey Parker Howard
Xavier Kochhar
Casey Preskitt
Music by Kevin MacLeod

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The Best Texts of May

The biggest adjustment with my new iPhone has been texting. I'm still getting used to each person having their own page, which could lead to some dicey mishaps if you don't pay close attention.

Something like what happened to Lizzy.


The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last month from across the country. To protect the "innocent", no names and dates are listed.

1. Walked by the office next to mine. 2. Saw new name on the door. 3. Looked her up on Facebook. 4. Had access to her profile because we are both on same network. 5. She has giant tits.

I am having a sign made for your bedroom door: "Do not disturb. Sketch in progress. "

Try to wash your balls in the sink.

There aren't many places where I didn't kiss him.

Sooooo drunk. I am going to do her in the pooper. That's the rule after 12 hours.

Will send when I get home. I don't trust phone email with vag pictures.

I can't bang you tonight. I have a bar crawl.

The last time he had a date he couldn't pick her up because the wheel hadn't been invented yet.

That crazy drunk girl says I eat pussy like a champ!

I see a banner week cumming.

And the best text of May...

Not my bush, I don't have one.

Back at The Comedy Store

The best part of my set from Friday night was hearing the group of black guys in the audience roaring with laughter.

There is nothing better in this world than being accepted by the black man.

iPhones and Cannibals

From last months show in Santa Monica...





I'll be back at the Comedy Store in West Hollywood this Friday night. Belly Room, upstairs. Doors open at 8:30. Show starts at 9:00.

Imitation is Flattery?

Here's a recent article from THE ONION, dated May 12, 2009:



Now here's a clip of my stand up from July of 2008:



Next check out the newest web sensation, TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT, a website the Cincinnati City Beat calls "a collection of anonymous texts that people send in to show how funny/stupid/drunk/slutty they are or their friends are," a website whose Facebook fan page boasts over 83,000 fans since its debut in February of 2009.

Now check out my Best Texts blog, also a collection of anonymous texts that show how funny/stupid/drunk/slutty myself or my friends are, now a regular feature of my blog since its debut in December of 2008.

What's next, guys imitating my patented "two and a half seconds in heaven" lovemaking technique?

Baby Steps

I was at a Kentucky Derby party Saturday with my friends two-year-old daughter. One of my other friends saw me playing with her.

"Wow, I'm surprised you are so good with kids. I think you're going to be a great father."

"Thanks, but I think I need to go on a date first."

Techno-laziness

Technology can be a great thing but it can also breed laziness.

For example, consider this scene a couple weekends ago when I was walking back to a mall parking lot with my friends, both on opposite sides of me.

"Do you remember where I parked?"

"No, but I took a picture on my phone. Do you want to see it?"

"Yeah, but... you're all the way over there. Can you email it to my phone?"

Love at first shit

As many of you know, it sometimes seems impossible to meet that special someone, especially living here in Los Angeles. (Unless your special someone likes to wear jewelry on his jeans.)

So it's always nice to hear a sweet and romantic first meeting story between two people.

One of my coworkers was walking on the sidewalk to a club in Hollywood one night when, all of a sudden, he got drenched in what can only be described as human feces.

Immediately an attractive young female runs down the stairs of her apartment complex to apologize. Apparently her apartment had overflowed with sewage from the bathroom after her roommate made an extremely poor decision to flush her tampons down the toilet.

Obviously she felt terrible and in order to make it up to my friend, she gave him her number and offered to buy him a drink.

After he showered a few times of course.

The Best Texts of March AND April

I apologize for my short absence.

I would love to say I was busy doing something exciting like traveling the world, scaling mountains, fighting bulls, wrestling gators, having affairs with royalty (male and female) and/or trying some type of hallucinogenic drug but alas, I can only claim to have been busy working and not having sex.

In other words, the usual.

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last two months from across the country. To protect the "innocent", no names and dates are listed.

She's hot but she doesn't have a facebook. Next!

Odds that he's washed his sheets since the last bang? 6 to 5 against.

His sheets need an HIV test.

If a crime ever happens at his apartment, it will be unsolvable. Too many different sets of DNA.

BJ x2.

Maybe his plan was to wait a month to appear disinterested and not desperate. If so, what a genius.

Agreed on all fronts. You need loosy goosy, not tighty whitey.

There are three explanations for his disappearance: 1) He went home to use the bathroom 2) He went to Jack in the Box 3) He is deceased.

What shape is your cock in?

The only fucking was a total mind-fuck.

In keeping with the theme of liking unavailable men… I think I have a crush on my priest.

Alcohol and iphone touchscreen don't mix.


And my personal favorite text of March and February...

She then said "No condoms? Well... are you clean?"