Monday, March 16, 2009

The worst acted, written and directed scene ever

From Tension, a never completed thriller I wrote and directed senior year of college.

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"The entire conversion process is covered by the co-ops system."

BROS BEFORE TACOS?

When one of my friends heard about the newest Los Angeles food craze, the Kogi BBQ taco truck, he made me pledge not to sample the tacos without him.

Flashforward to a week later when he's texting pictures of the truck to my phone while scarfing down multiple tacos.

Two weeks later I'm out of town while he goes to Venice and again proceeds to pig out on the apparently "delicious and heaven inspiring" tacos without me.

I guess honor among friends goes out the window when it comes to short rib tacos "swimming in a special marinade, chopped nice and small so the flavors dance on your taste buds."

To be fair, I would have done the same thing.

OVERHEARD LATE NIGHT

One of my girl friends was talking to a guy Friday night in Venice. After telling him that she lived in Brentwood, he told her he was staying with his friend. When she asked how that was going, he responded:

"I'd rather be sleeping on a couch in Brentwood."

And finally, I'll leave ya'll with this doozy, overheard a few weeks back.

"She's a dirty, filthy whore... But she's a real nice person."

Monday, March 9, 2009

The Best Texts of February

One of my bff's recently got a new phone that keeps track of how many texts are sent back and forth between each person. As you can see, in the few months since he got the phone, there has been a lot of action between us (and also a lot of texts.)

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected this month from across the country. To protect the "innocent", no names and dates are listed.

So how many were from the 1002? Wouldn't you like to know...

I never called her... but I did bang her.

Tell her you are "open to other girl's joining."

I never kid about underage bisexual threesomes.

I found condoms that expired in April 2006 in my stash. Man, I need to get laid more often!

I love the strategic use of the word "cum" instead of "come."

My next google search: "How to password protect text history."

Taking a (spicy) dump, texting you and watching youtube. I love 2009.

I'm sure he has a five year plan with her… to get to first base.

Him, me, two chicks, weed.

I had a three way last night… chat on Facebook, that is.

Bean soup day at lunch. Tell her to put some toilet paper in the freezer.

My next goal: Text updates during lovemaking.


And my personal favorite text of February...

Cockblocking is as offensive as genocide.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

The Comedy Store

Check out my set from Friday night in the Belly Room.

Luckily, the video doesn't show my stage exit and subsequent tripping, knocking four drinks over a random girl.

Thankfully, she was ugly.

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