Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Live at The Jon Lovitz Comedy Club

(Mostly) new material, y'all!

Thanks to everyone who came out to support me. And of course all the wonderful girls I've dated.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Step Up

The best films of the eighties all shared one common bond. From Porky's to Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Revenge of the Nerds, Weird Science, Lost Boys and Teen Wolf to The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Some Kind of Wonderful... All were movies that captured, at times brilliantly, what it meant to be young and filled with hope. The best films of the eighties reminded us of that innocent time in our lives where anything was possible.

In the nineties Hollywood attempted to resurrect the eighties teenage film with mixed results. The best films in that period, Clueless, Scream and American Pie were either tributes or parodies. But something was still missing. By the time She's All That premiered in 1999, it was safe to say the golden age of teenage movies was officially dead.

Flash forward to February of 2006 and the release of a little film called Step Up. The movie was set in Baltimore and told the story of the troublemaker teen Tyler Gage (Channing Tatum) who falls for the privileged dancer Nora Clark (Jena Dewan.) Exactly two years later, Step Up 2: The Streets came out, this time following a new dancer, Andie West (Briana Evigan), and her dream to be a street dancer. This coming Friday, Step Up 3D will be released and I couldn't be more excited.

Yes, these films can easily be dismissed as unsubstantive fluff filled with corny dialogue and cliched plot lines. But if you go back and look at how now classic eighties films were received when they were first released, many of the same things were said. In fact, many were true... just as they are now. But just like then, it simply doesn't matter.

Whether you like it or not, Step Up has a place in the cannon of modern cinema. And it's my opinion that there's a reason people like myself are drawn to these films. Besides the fantastic dance sequences and soundtracks, the hip hop dance drama is the last modern film genre to truly recall the hope and innocence of those eighties films we grew up with and loved.

It's the last vestige of a time where we didn't have to worry about terrorism, global warming and rent checks. A time where the most important thing in our lives was our dream... and the girl.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Rap Star

So the other day I'm searching through some old scripts on my computer and I spot a file called "rap." Immediately I flashed back to the nineties and remembered my secret dream. Well besides the one where I have a three-way with 1978's Erin Grey and 1980's Phoebe Cates.

I'm talking about the dream where, just like so many Jewish white guys before me, I wanted to be a rap star.

So here is the unedited rap I wrote sometime last decade. My favorite line has to be the "Like a fresh kid, Wearing a bib." Pure gold.

If anyone has a connection to Eminem, maybe shoot him this link. I'm still available.

Lyrics by Noah Ruderman

Don’t have it all
Never needed it
Cause I can always quit
If I want
Maybe flaunt
My mind
My heart
Never slow, dough
Keeps rollin
Never holdin
Me down
Never round
Or wide
I’ll never hide
The way
The rule
Never caught being a fool
Because that’s the easy way
To die
Or cry
Never lie, cause my
high ain’t warranted
Like a fresh kid
Wearing a bib
On a chair
I stare, bare
In my lair
Don’t need that mess
I confess
Don’t clean up my mess
Cause when I’m done
Having fun, I’m gonna run
I'm gonna scream
Shouts of rage
Rip a page
Don’t need no wage
Or any boss
Never at a loss, or floss
So maybe I’ll crash
Or won’t last,
Maybe going too fast
Forgetting the past, cause it has
To repeat itself
Live a life of wealth
And choice
My voice is hoarse, never get a divorce
Cause I’ll stick, never stray
Never run away
And I’ll say
Hey, hey, hey

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Death of Lloyd Dobler

In April of 1989 I was a skinny four-eyed teenager who loved reruns of Charles in Charge, Steven Seagal action movies and Twizzlers cherry licorice laces. If someone asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I would have answered "talk to a girl." Almost twenty years ago, I was an innocent, slightly socially awkward fourteen year-old without a dream.

And then one day I watched the preview for the film, Say Anything. And for some reason, I felt compelled to see it. With no girl to ask out and no guy willing to see such a ‘girlie’ movie, I decided to do something I'd never done before and rarely done since. I went to the movie theater alone.

One hour and forty-two minutes later, I was still innocent. I was still slightly socially awkward. I was still fourteen. But I was no longer without a dream. That was the first day I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to write characters like Lloyd Dobbler who said things like “I want to get hurt!” (Which became my all-time favorite movie line in my all-time favorite movie.)

Hell, I wanted to be Lloyd Dobbler.

As I grew up and moved to Los Angeles to pursue writing, Cameron Crowe's story of love found, lost and found again was never too far from my mind. When I went out on dates with girls (yes, I did finally talk to them) and later had actual girlfriends, I was always trying to live up to the heart of Lloyd’s character. And for a while, that was a good thing.

But then something changed. It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment or even if there was an exact moment, but all of a sudden everything I knew became everything I thought I knew. And everything I thought I knew amounted to a whole lot of nothing. And knowing a whole lot of nothing is a pretty darn good recipe for disappointment.

So what exactly happened? And who or what was to blame?

For a while I wasn’t sure. But then one night it hit me. It was MTV. More specifically, MTV’s “reality” show, The Hills.

As one of the few heterosexual fans of the show, I’ll admit to being entertained by the hollow, vain and narcissistic cast of conceited, swollen-headed and self-important douchebags and sorority girls. I’ll admit to getting sucked into the highfalutin, grandiose and farcical ‘drama” these characters became famous for. But while I was being entertained by the constant backstabbing, infighting, crossbreeding and maltreatment, I didn’t realize the true influence they were having.

Until I started dating.

While girls had once swooned for the sentimental, romantic and sweet gestures of a Lloyd Dobbler, they now were smitten by the dry, dispassionate and obnoxious gestures of a Justin Bobby. While girls had once held their breath anxiously hoping he would ask them out again that night and then call the next day or, even better, bright and early the next morning or, even better, five minutes after he kissed you goodnight and got in his car because he couldn’t wait any longer and he even had to pull over to the side of the road because he couldn’t concentrate on driving… they’re now turned off unless he disappears for a week and then calls late one night asking if they want him to stop by and when they say yes he doesn’t stop by but texts three days later saying he got caught up and maybe he’ll call again in a week or maybe he won’t but the whole time they are eating it up because he is mysterious, rebellious and exciting. And did I mention he drives a motorcycle?

Now before you get angry and upset because you are a girl who would be horrified and completely turned off by the behavior of the latter and instead have been desperately searching for someone like the former, let me be clear. You have now become the exception.

Somehow the ugly, vile egotism, shameless self-loving and contemptible behavior that permeates the spirit of a brainless show on MTV had managed to influence an entire population of girls, many of whom had probably never seen a single episode. It didn’t matter.

One of my close female friends recently met a guy she fell for. After attempting to text him about seeing him again and getting relatively blown off, she decided to call. His roommate answered and not only wouldn’t let her talk to him but actually PRETENDED TO BE HIM. It was as if she had fallen back into a world of infantile and immature high-school games. A world kind of like we see every week on The Hills.

My friend was smart. She immediately hung up and texted him back “Lose my number, you immature douchebag. I don’t have time for little boys and their games.” She then deleted his number.

But this got me thinking. What if this guy was just acting exactly as he is expected to act? What if he is not the advertised douchebag but instead a good person inside who only knew a world of disrespectful and childish game playing? What if he thought this is what she wanted? So I thought about these questions for a moment.

And then I got depressed.

So what is a guy like me to do when faced with this new reality? I could change. I could forget about Lloyd Dobbler. I could forget about that skinny four-eyed teenager walking out of the movie theater with a big smile on my face.

It wouldn’t be difficult or take much effort. I could suddenly become the contemptible, ill-mannered and coldhearted Justin Bobby many girls now crave. I could do that today and maybe everything would be easier.

Yes, I could do all those things. And yes, maybe everything would be easier. But I’m not going to.

I think I’m waiting for the girl who is the exception.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Live from Hollywood

Thanks to everyone who came out to my winter shows. From Hermosa Beach to Hollywood and Culver City, I had a blast... After a brief hiatus to get my movie shooting on, I will be back.

A special thanks to my dating life. I couldn't have done it without you.

Monday, January 4, 2010

The Best Texts of 2009

One day when I'm old(er) with kids, my child is going to google my name (by then they'll be able to do it from the computer chip implanted in their brain), find this blog post and...

I'm going to have some explaining to do.

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last twelve months from across the country. To protect the "innocent," no names and dates are listed.

My doctor this morning while my pants were down: "Have you been working out?"

She would cockblock me at my own wedding.

I just got booty texted by a girl I haven't spoken to in four years. It's as if she just sat back in her La-Z-Boy and asked "Hmm... What's the most random piece of ass I could have tonight?"

1. Walked by the office next to mine. 2. Saw new name on the door. 3. Looked her up on Facebook. 4. Had access to her profile because we are both on same network. 5. She has giant tits.

Odds that he's washed his sheets since the last bang? 6 to 5 against.

She then said "No condoms? Well... are you clean?"

"My response after seeing the picture of the girl he hooked up with last night: "Eeesh."

"Tell him to make sure to get her Facebook… It's the sketch trophy of 2009."

"Hooking up with that girl is like an inmate trying to talk himself into a jailhouse BJ."

And my personal favorite text of 2009...

Cockblocking is as offensive as genocide.