Saturday, December 27, 2008

Motherf**kers who try to dis

I would love to give a full and detailed explanation for this but I'm not sure that's possible.


I want to take this opportunity to thank each and everyone of my loyal blog readers. My continued inspiration comes directly from you. Both of you.

There are a lot of exciting things in store for 2009.

First off, I plan on getting laid.

I know I say that every year but I really mean it this time. I've even picked out the girl. She's an American Indian/Norwegian/Guatemalan BBW that I met on Craigslist while accidently clicking on the "Erotic Services" link. She's listed under "Mistress of pain."

I know what you're thinking. I don't need to pay for sex. But I think I lucked out because she isn't even charging me. I only have to bring 100 roses to her Compton hotel room and it's a done deal.

Coming soon to the blog, my (non) triumphant return to stand up comedy. I've just completed a new set of hilarious one liners and wacky puns that I will be bringing to the stage/Olive Garden very soon.

And of course, we're close to the most anticipated blog of the year, my top ten films of the year.

Last year marked the ten year anniversary since my debut list in 1998, when Saving Private Ryan took home the top honor. What film will be number one in 2008? The Love Guru? Meet Dave? Fools Gold? Stay tuned.

So as we say goodbye to 2008 and look forward to 2009, I'll leave you in the classiest way possible.

Overheard en route to a house party a few weeks ago:

"I got to get my dick wet tonight!"

Happy new year everyone.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Best Texts of 2008

In the last twelve months I've personally received and been forwarded hundreds of texts from across the country, all hoping to make this distinguished list. In the end, only a select few could make the prestigious cut.

The following are all real texts, without edits. To protect the innocent, no names and dates are listed.

Well, maybe "innocent" isn't the right word.

“Awesome. Change your facebook status to “test came back negative.”

“My friends mom just walked in on me having sex. Fuck. I could be in trouble. Fuck.”

“Hey…sorry to hear it was a rough wk… On another note, I’d appreciate it if you don’t contact me anymore. Thanks.” (editors note, sent by a girl I was dating.)

"I put vaginal at 65%"

“Could you bring a bottle of Sprite or 7-Up? It’ll be used in conjunction w/ the condoms, don’t worry.”

“I think you had unrealistically high expectations for how a female trucker would look.”

“Bad female timing. Otherwise I’d bang the shit outta him. “

“SKETCHCON-5. Fuck the blonds… this is low-hanging fruit.”

"Laid the foundation for some wild times. Yes, I talked about the beads, in front of her brother.”

“No condom. This crazy chick kept telling me to cum in her.”

“If you don’t bang her you are not a patriot. Sarah Palin will be pissed.”

And my personal favorite text of 2008 is...

“There was a brief moment where I was thinking about checking out the other hole.”

Thursday, December 4, 2008