Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Best Texts of August AND September

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last two months from across the country. To protect the "innocent," no names and dates are listed.

There's an Asian girl at lunch named "Heaven Kim." Even a porn star would reject that name as too obvious.

Your last text suggested cockblocking and logistics issues, so I'm very glad it all cummed up roses.

Is spicy broccoli a good idea before a 2pm massage?

As he left the bar he gave the girl who rejected him the double middle finger and later hurled in the kitchen sink. Classy night all around.

Apparently she looked exactly like her picture on Facebook... in 1985!

He just sent me an email titled "Five dollar footlong." Before I opened it I knew it was a picture of a dump.

A hot Jewish girl just talked to me. Shocking.
A hot Jewish girl? That is shocking.

The only thing looser than my morals are my stools.

Did you enjoy your testicles last night?

I accidentally called a sex line last night. I was trying to call Toshiba because my computer is broken. I was one number off. Ooops.

And my personal favorite text of August and September...

Is it okay to tell a girl that you love her to get a BJ, but not sex?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Kato Kaelin introduces me on stage

In my long recurring fantasy of this moment, it went a little differently.

Monday, September 7, 2009


It's been a long road to get here, and it will surely be a long road to the finish line, but this is where it all begins.

I'm happy to announce the production of companion, a short film that I wrote and will be directing at the start of 2010.

Loosely adapted from the short story, companion is the story of Alaina, a housewife living with painful regrets from her past.

This is definitely a departure for me, as it's most certainly not a comedy and it's also the first script I've ever written with a female lead.

I'll be teaming up with an extremely talented group of filmmakers, who will hopefully be able to mask all my shortcomings. For those technical buffs/film nerds, we'll be shooting the film in HD on a
Sony HDV-V1U.

Look out for the official Facebook page soon, where you'll be able to follow the production from casting through production and beyond.

Casting begins in late October/early November so if you are an actor/actress or have a friend who is one, stay tuned for the official notice to submit. (As with all my productions, the casting couch will be in full effect.)

As a writer, there are always stories you want to tell. And then there are ones you have to.

Consider this the latter.

companion teaser from Noah Ruderman on Vimeo.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

John Hughes 1950-2009

I originally wrote this in college and then last year went back and rewrote it. Tonight it seems like a fitting tribute.

“When the causes of the decline of Western Civilization are finally writ, Hollywood will surely have to answer why it turned one of man’s most significant art forms over to the self-gratification of high schoolers.”

-review of The Breakfast Club, Variety, February 13, 1985

the eighties were the fifties
an aids free adventure in innocence
the promise of a good life
with video games

Mickey Rooney, Judy Garland, and Jackie Coogan
the Dead End Kids, the Bowery Boys
Debbie Reynolds and Natalie wood
the depression years of adolescence

then movies were made in the eighties
movies made for kids
by adults
born in the sixties

mr. dumb horny thirteen year old
at one time we fought over the draft
we feared the paranoia
JFK blown away
now we worry over being popular

Vietnam once our enemy
now we are at war again
this time with our parents
at home alone with the radio turned on

maybe it was home video that started the rage
we could hide out with slumber party massacre
turn off the lights
grab microwave popcorn
and watch fright night

our parents got rich
from the stock market
they got greedy
but greed did not play a part
in our subculture of film
our schoolyard
where jock could hang with the geek
and the princess could walk away with the bully

maybe it's in the faces
the looks
the blue of her eyes
the way he blinks
the way she sits alone on the grass

maybe it was the names
the stars and the sunglasses
we knew who they were
even before they did

maybe it's in the smile
or the way she swallows
how she crosses her t's
how he drives his new car

but it didn't have to be this way
we could have continued the way it was
Mash Nashville Taxi Driver
Sunday Bloody Sunday

We didn't need to pay Wes Craven
and John Hughes
to entertain us
we didn't need Ferris Bueller
or Jeff Spicoli
to tell us how to live

but maybe there was something missing
a dance
maybe we wanted to know
how to cry
maybe we were just confused
and needed a day off
to sleep

and yet these films were bad
cast away to one am spots on tbs
left to die

but yet they rise

they come back again
they can't let us forget
The Last American Virgin

our own father needs to feel worthy of living
validation for his part in this world
so in a way the best movies
the eighties most remembered times

we grow up still as who we were
and we remember times
through images
the prom lives again
is that what her eyes are for?

just like Lego's and Weird Science
GI Joe and License to Drive
Barbie and Heathers
Cabbage Patch and Halloween

like Carson and The Lost Boys
Cheerios and Real Genius
Scooby Doo and Teen Wolf
the Smurfs and Hardbodies

the eighties were the fifties
or maybe they weren't
maybe they meant nothing
just ten years of waiting
a decade lost on itself

"when you grow up, your heart dies"
we've heard it before, but Ally Sheedy was wrong
or maybe we've never grown up

RIP John.

Monday, August 3, 2009

The Best Texts of June AND July

They say what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. That is, unless you send a text to me.

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last two months from across the country. To protect the "innocent," no names and dates are listed.

Can you bring me some clothes or have them delivered? I'm screwed!

Were you reverse cockblocking last night?

We ARE a Hills episode.

So those dudes came back and one of them crawled into bed with me! I thought it was her getting all lesbian with me. Who the fuck does that shit.

So I went to bed at five AM last night and woke up three hours later with severely sore balls and black and blue marks on my arms.

Handjob? Blowjob? Lingus?

They caught him jerking off on some assholes pizza.

It's going down!
Something/one will be going down.

I hope you will be able to walk okay today. If not, I apologize but that's part of my first date package.

Do you think if a girl shows up with condoms from a sex store that's slutty? Or should I stick with Trojans?

Is he cumming… I mean coming tomorrow?
Wait I meant cumming.

Damn you sensitive romantic sweet girls who like sex!

My urologist this morning while my pants were down: "Have you been working out?"

I told him that I bought condoms. He said he can only wear magnums. I said "but you're white!"

A mystery increases for her as does panty wetness

He keeps telling me that you really need to use beads.
Tell him that he really needs to use condoms!

Your sketch knows no bounds. You are an equal opportunity banger.

Adding extra mouthwash, detergent and lube to my shopping list.

This might turn into a full fledged bang, no?

She would cockblock me at my own wedding.

You really need to invest in a satellite phone for international sketch communication.

Bangings are a cummin.

I'm so glad he got it wet.

And my personal favorite text of June and July...

Sorry, but my cock is too sore. Raincheck?

Monday, June 29, 2009

Be The Match For John Huss to Post A Status Update

The inaugural HEY SOUL CLASSICS video production:

A Hey Soul Classics Production
Written & Directed by Noah Ruderman

Noah Ruderman
Tricia Nicole Ingraham
Michael Scalzo
Stacey Parker Howard
Xavier Kochhar
Casey Preskitt
Music by Kevin MacLeod

Join the Facebook Group

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Best Texts of May

The biggest adjustment with my new iPhone has been texting. I'm still getting used to each person having their own page, which could lead to some dicey mishaps if you don't pay close attention.

Something like what happened to Lizzy.

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last month from across the country. To protect the "innocent", no names and dates are listed.

1. Walked by the office next to mine. 2. Saw new name on the door. 3. Looked her up on Facebook. 4. Had access to her profile because we are both on same network. 5. She has giant tits.

I am having a sign made for your bedroom door: "Do not disturb. Sketch in progress. "

Try to wash your balls in the sink.

There aren't many places where I didn't kiss him.

Sooooo drunk. I am going to do her in the pooper. That's the rule after 12 hours.

Will send when I get home. I don't trust phone email with vag pictures.

I can't bang you tonight. I have a bar crawl.

The last time he had a date he couldn't pick her up because the wheel hadn't been invented yet.

That crazy drunk girl says I eat pussy like a champ!

I see a banner week cumming.

And the best text of May...

Not my bush, I don't have one.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Back at The Comedy Store

The best part of my set from Friday night was hearing the group of black guys in the audience roaring with laughter.

There is nothing better in this world than being accepted by the black man.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

iPhones and Cannibals

From last months show in Santa Monica...

I'll be back at the Comedy Store in West Hollywood this Friday night. Belly Room, upstairs. Doors open at 8:30. Show starts at 9:00.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Imitation is Flattery?

Here's a recent article from THE ONION, dated May 12, 2009:

Now here's a clip of my stand up from July of 2008:

Next check out the newest web sensation, TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT, a website the Cincinnati City Beat calls "a collection of anonymous texts that people send in to show how funny/stupid/drunk/slutty they are or their friends are," a website whose Facebook fan page boasts over 83,000 fans since its debut in February of 2009.

Now check out my Best Texts blog, also a collection of anonymous texts that show how funny/stupid/drunk/slutty myself or my friends are, now a regular feature of my blog since its debut in December of 2008.

What's next, guys imitating my patented "two and a half seconds in heaven" lovemaking technique?

Monday, May 4, 2009

Baby Steps

I was at a Kentucky Derby party Saturday with my friends two-year-old daughter. One of my other friends saw me playing with her.

"Wow, I'm surprised you are so good with kids. I think you're going to be a great father."

"Thanks, but I think I need to go on a date first."


Technology can be a great thing but it can also breed laziness.

For example, consider this scene a couple weekends ago when I was walking back to a mall parking lot with my friends, both on opposite sides of me.

"Do you remember where I parked?"

"No, but I took a picture on my phone. Do you want to see it?"

"Yeah, but... you're all the way over there. Can you email it to my phone?"

Love at first shit

As many of you know, it sometimes seems impossible to meet that special someone, especially living here in Los Angeles. (Unless your special someone likes to wear jewelry on his jeans.)

So it's always nice to hear a sweet and romantic first meeting story between two people.

One of my coworkers was walking on the sidewalk to a club in Hollywood one night when, all of a sudden, he got drenched in what can only be described as human feces.

Immediately an attractive young female runs down the stairs of her apartment complex to apologize. Apparently her apartment had overflowed with sewage from the bathroom after her roommate made an extremely poor decision to flush her tampons down the toilet.

Obviously she felt terrible and in order to make it up to my friend, she gave him her number and offered to buy him a drink.

After he showered a few times of course.

Monday, April 27, 2009

The Best Texts of March AND April

I apologize for my short absence.

I would love to say I was busy doing something exciting like traveling the world, scaling mountains, fighting bulls, wrestling gators, having affairs with royalty (male and female) and/or trying some type of hallucinogenic drug but alas, I can only claim to have been busy working and not having sex.

In other words, the usual.

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last two months from across the country. To protect the "innocent", no names and dates are listed.

She's hot but she doesn't have a facebook. Next!

Odds that he's washed his sheets since the last bang? 6 to 5 against.

His sheets need an HIV test.

If a crime ever happens at his apartment, it will be unsolvable. Too many different sets of DNA.

BJ x2.

Maybe his plan was to wait a month to appear disinterested and not desperate. If so, what a genius.

Agreed on all fronts. You need loosy goosy, not tighty whitey.

There are three explanations for his disappearance: 1) He went home to use the bathroom 2) He went to Jack in the Box 3) He is deceased.

What shape is your cock in?

The only fucking was a total mind-fuck.

In keeping with the theme of liking unavailable men… I think I have a crush on my priest.

Alcohol and iphone touchscreen don't mix.

And my personal favorite text of March and February...

She then said "No condoms? Well... are you clean?"

Monday, March 16, 2009

The worst acted, written and directed scene ever

From Tension, a never completed thriller I wrote and directed senior year of college.

"The entire conversion process is covered by the co-ops system."


When one of my friends heard about the newest Los Angeles food craze, the Kogi BBQ taco truck, he made me pledge not to sample the tacos without him.

Flashforward to a week later when he's texting pictures of the truck to my phone while scarfing down multiple tacos.

Two weeks later I'm out of town while he goes to Venice and again proceeds to pig out on the apparently "delicious and heaven inspiring" tacos without me.

I guess honor among friends goes out the window when it comes to short rib tacos "swimming in a special marinade, chopped nice and small so the flavors dance on your taste buds."

To be fair, I would have done the same thing.


One of my girl friends was talking to a guy Friday night in Venice. After telling him that she lived in Brentwood, he told her he was staying with his friend. When she asked how that was going, he responded:

"I'd rather be sleeping on a couch in Brentwood."

And finally, I'll leave ya'll with this doozy, overheard a few weeks back.

"She's a dirty, filthy whore... But she's a real nice person."

Monday, March 9, 2009

The Best Texts of February

One of my bff's recently got a new phone that keeps track of how many texts are sent back and forth between each person. As you can see, in the few months since he got the phone, there has been a lot of action between us (and also a lot of texts.)

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected this month from across the country. To protect the "innocent", no names and dates are listed.

So how many were from the 1002? Wouldn't you like to know...

I never called her... but I did bang her.

Tell her you are "open to other girl's joining."

I never kid about underage bisexual threesomes.

I found condoms that expired in April 2006 in my stash. Man, I need to get laid more often!

I love the strategic use of the word "cum" instead of "come."

My next google search: "How to password protect text history."

Taking a (spicy) dump, texting you and watching youtube. I love 2009.

I'm sure he has a five year plan with her… to get to first base.

Him, me, two chicks, weed.

I had a three way last night… chat on Facebook, that is.

Bean soup day at lunch. Tell her to put some toilet paper in the freezer.

My next goal: Text updates during lovemaking.

And my personal favorite text of February...

Cockblocking is as offensive as genocide.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

The Comedy Store

Check out my set from Friday night in the Belly Room.

Luckily, the video doesn't show my stage exit and subsequent tripping, knocking four drinks over a random girl.

Thankfully, she was ugly.

Sunday, February 22, 2009


Back in 1998 I wrote, directed, edited and co-starred in a short film called Detention.

The film told the age-old story of two college friends who decide to sneak back to high school, strictly for the girls... but end up getting detention instead.

My proudest accomplishment was writing the words and music for the end credits song, Love Theme from Detention. Not only did I play the guitar and sing the remarkably catchy song myself, I even overdubbed the chorus with my own harmony, meaning I was actually singing... with myself. (So in essence, it was like my sex life. )

Don't miss the closing dance number. It makes Slumdog Millionaire's look like a kindergarten recital.

Detention - Part I

Detention - Part II

"Love theme from Detention"

Somewhere out there, there's a place I could go
Somewhere out there, there's a girl I could know
I'd take her outside to the parking lot
I'd read her poetry until she made me stop

Oh girl, I know you're only fourteen years old
But, oh girl, it's just you I want to hold

Oh girl, in detention, in detention, in detention
Is where we'll make out
In detention is where we'll find love.

Blooper Reel

Saturday, February 14, 2009

My Top Ten Movies of 2008

There are certain things you can count on seeing in Los Angeles: Greased-up egotistical douchebags, Botoxed anorexic superficial women… and movies.

These are the ten best movies I've seen in 2008.


A thrilling roller coaster ride, led by Robert Downey Jr., who deftly plays the title character with a frantic blitz of smarts, wit, charm and, most importantly, heart. Director Jon Favreau proves that all the special effects and explosions in the world won't make a superhero blockbuster entertaining (I'm talking to you Spiderman 3.) In the end, it's about character.


Gran Torino was the more heralded of the movies Clint Eastwood directed this year, but Changeling is actually a much bolder and more mature film. Angelina Jolie's brilliant turn as a desperate mother is quietly heartbreaking, and Eastwood's deliberate pacing masterfully builds a horrifying sense of dread throughout.


For a long time I struggled with this film, but in the end I realized that struggle was the very reason the movie was so important. Unlike other Nazis we've grown accustomed to seeing onscreen, Kate Winslet's character of Hannah Schmitz isn’t inherently evil. Rather, she is someone who did many evil things, which becomes the agonizing moral conflict that stirs in the heart of its characters.


Like all great David Mamet films, this story twists and turns until the moment you think you've figured it out, when it takes one unexpected final turn. Chiwetel Ejiofor is a revelation playing Mike Terry, a mixed martial arts instructor struggling to maintain his moral code in a world without one. As Terry falls deeper into a sordid web of greed and lies, he is saved by the only thing in the world he can trust, his honor.


Sean Penn's gives yet another remarkable performance as Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man elected to public office in the United States. Director Gus Van Sant cleverly allows Penn to explore this rich character, flaws and all, and in return we get a stirring and inspiring story of a man who had one dream, and that was to matter. The film is a beautiful testament to his life and to that fully realized dream.


David Fincher's backwards tale of life and death is visually stunning and overly ambitious, almost to a fault. But what could have been overwrought with melodrama and tired sentiment instead becomes a sobering and poignant look at the simple beauty of growing old… or young.


Simply put, Christopher Nolan's Batman sequel is nothing short of a masterwork that redefines the superhero genre. Filled with a depth largely unseen in past comic book films, Nolan's sweeping epic becomes a sordid and twisted portrait of the fragile nature of good and evil. Relentlessly exhilarating and mercilessly ambitious, Nolan never settles for easy answers, instead choking the audience with unsettling fear.


The performance of the year, if not the decade, belongs to Mickey Rourke in this devastatingly raw story of a broken man longing for one last shot at redemption. Rourke plays Randy "The Ram" Robinson, a former wrestling star reduced to living off the faded glory of his past. With each genuine and honest moment, Rourke exudes an aching loneliness that will gently break your heart. But by the final moment, you can’t help but stand and cheer as a soul is reborn.


Nothing can really prepare you for this true life and death story of filmmaker Kurt Kueene's childhood friend, Andrew Bagbay. Facing the darkest evil and the most profound sadness, Andrew Bagbay's parents remind us what true strength and courage are. At once disturbing and overwhelmingly heartbreaking, ultimately this is a story about the incomparable power of the human spirit.


There are moments in life when everything can change.

One minute you're coasting on one path, spiraling towards one life, and then suddenly, that life vanishes, and you're faced with an entirely different path. When this moment strikes, some will turn their backs, afraid of taking that risk, fearful of letting go of their former life.

This is a story about someone who didn't.

Danny Boyle's masterpiece will take you on a journey that will leave you numb, breathless, uplifted and inspired. By the film's closing moments, even the most bitter cynic won't be able to resist succumbing to this stirring and heartfelt celebration of life.

Slumdog Millionare is a fairy tale about a boy from the slums of India who gets a chance to play for millions on a game show. But this isn't a film about winning money on a game show. Instead, this is a film about resilience. This is a film about determination. This is a film about hope. And yes, this is most certainly a film about love.

Life can be a struggle. There are times when it's filled with pain, sorrow and loss. There are times when losing hope seems so simple, when losing faith seems so easy. It's in these moments when you might feel that fate is against you. That destiny is not on your side.

But I think you'd be wrong.

I can't tell you that fate and destiny are real. I don't think anyone can. But what I do know is real are the people who lead you on that second path, without ever looking back. They're the ones who make everything worth it.

Someone taught me that once. This film reminded me.

Peace and love.


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Best Texts of January

After the smashing success of my Best Texts of 2008 blog, (smashing=over five sober readers) I've decided to make this a regular entry.

Lucky for you, I had one hell of a January.

The following are all real texts, without edits, collected this month from across the country. To protect the "innocent", no names and dates are listed.

Please continue to send me your favorites and I'll post them in future blogs. If they make the cut, that is.

"My response after seeing the picture of the girl he hooked up with last night: "Eeesh."

"I love finding pictures of girls from my office on Facebook… In bikinis."

"I can't wait for the day we can text using the microchip implanted in our brain. It will be great during lovemaking."

"We already made out. More to cum." --->

----> "OH SHIT! The cum puns are cummin' out!"

"Tell him to make sure to get her Facebook… It's the sketch trophy of 2009."

"Ask her if she F's."

"Tell him to avoid the herp."

"All he does is have no money or job but bang."

"I am knee deep in BBWs."

"Is it weird to check out the name on a hot girl's boarding pass and then look her up on Facebook?"

"Hooking up with that girl is like an inmate trying to talk himself into a jailhouse BJ."

And my personal favorite text of January...

" Gotta love 'Mad Gas Mondays!' "

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Douchebags who sip protein shakes in a thermos while driving to work

I'm one of them!


For anyone thinking of performing comedy at the UnUrban Coffeehouse weekly comedy open mic in West Los Angeles, let me offer you a suggestion. DON'T.

Let me be more specific.

The UnUrban Coffeehouse open mic is WHERE COMEDY GOES TO DIE.

I initially thought this low key "hipster" spot would be a perfect place to sort out the kinks in my new set before I worked it into a real show. After all it had been months since I had been up on stage.

Unfortunately, I didn't count on playing to a room of left wing vegan nutjobs strung out on methadone and ginkgo biloba. Don't get me wrong, I voted for Obama but this is the same coffeehouse where the 9-11 conspirators hold their weekly meetings.

Here are the acts I followed:

A possible homeless man who brought a puppet on stage.

A guy who spent six minutes plotting how he wants to kill Bush. (I was worried the secret service would be busting down the door at any minute.)

A strung out tweaker who spent six minutes without reciting a SINGLE JOKE. His entire act consisted of going around the room asking people where they were from. When he reached the only cute girl in the room, he followed up that question with "Are you single?" After his set, he creepily followed the girl outside who literally ran to her bike and sprinted down the street like Lance Armstrong in the final mile of the Tour De France.

So how about my act?

I think I got more laughs at my last funeral.


By popular demand...

The Best Texts of January blog!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

"Now I know why they call it a 'lay' over"

The only way I can faithfully describe the sheer exhiliration I felt after reading this text was to imagine how Moses felt after he parted the Red Sea.

One of my east coast friends had managed to turn an extended business trip layover into a risque late night of debauchery with a mysterious lady stranger he had met only hours before at the airport.

Apparently when they met he asked why she was flying. She replied:

"I'm going to court for a D.U.I."

At that moment the sound a Vegas slot machine makes when you hit a ten million dollar jackpot rang through his head.

Four cocktails and two shots later, they were hotel room bound.

And the passengers on the U.S. Air flight thought they got lucky!


Actual conversation I had with my mother after learning she joined Facebook.

"There is no way you will ever be my friend on Facebook."

"Why not?"

"Because! I don't want you seeing wall posts from drunken one night stands."

"Are they Jewish?"



"Send a message. (Insert gunshot here.)"

"You would have to go outside the system of justice. (Insert door getting kicked open.)"

"They'll get to you... If they can't get to you, they'll get to your family! (Insert cute kids running into the arms of mom)"

"This isn't over... (Insert tearful head shake.)"


Move over Dane Cook. My new set will be debuting/bombing in the next week!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Ten Years of Top Tens

Over a decade ago, I emailed a list of my top ten films of the year (yes, they did have email back then) to about a dozen of my closest friends and relatives. It's been a tradition for me ever since.

Each one of these ten films that I chose as the years best is more then just a film to me. They are memories.

I'll always be able to watch them, but I'll never be able to capture that one simple moment when I walked out of the theater for the first time.

I think that's what makes them so special.


Saving Private Ryan
"The real horror of war comes from the silence."


"Made with the same fanatic ambition it so deftly satires."


"A mysterious turn at every corner, a story that makes us wonder and imagine."


Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
"Watching this journey unfold is akin to inviting back your childhood dreams."


Road to Perdition
"What begins as a simple gangster tale soon unravels into a complex saga of a father’s attempt to protect his son from the very life that may end his own. "


All The Real Girls
"A naked look at the true helplessness that comes with true heartbreak."


Garden State
"An unforgettable mix of characters, all fighting the demons of loneliness, guilt and regret "


"There are no easy answers. Or, for that matter, any answers."


United 93
"When it's all over, you understand. Not why evil prevailed that day, but why it didn't."


Into the Wild
"A story of rebellion, of freedom, of self-discovery, of testing the limits of ones humanity, and, in the end, of finding truth."



Saturday, January 3, 2009