Thursday, January 29, 2009

Douchebags who sip protein shakes in a thermos while driving to work




I'm one of them!

RETURN TO STAND UP

For anyone thinking of performing comedy at the UnUrban Coffeehouse weekly comedy open mic in West Los Angeles, let me offer you a suggestion. DON'T.

Let me be more specific.

The UnUrban Coffeehouse open mic is WHERE COMEDY GOES TO DIE.

I initially thought this low key "hipster" spot would be a perfect place to sort out the kinks in my new set before I worked it into a real show. After all it had been months since I had been up on stage.

Unfortunately, I didn't count on playing to a room of left wing vegan nutjobs strung out on methadone and ginkgo biloba. Don't get me wrong, I voted for Obama but this is the same coffeehouse where the 9-11 conspirators hold their weekly meetings.

Here are the acts I followed:

A possible homeless man who brought a puppet on stage.

A guy who spent six minutes plotting how he wants to kill Bush. (I was worried the secret service would be busting down the door at any minute.)

A strung out tweaker who spent six minutes without reciting a SINGLE JOKE. His entire act consisted of going around the room asking people where they were from. When he reached the only cute girl in the room, he followed up that question with "Are you single?" After his set, he creepily followed the girl outside who literally ran to her bike and sprinted down the street like Lance Armstrong in the final mile of the Tour De France.

So how about my act?

I think I got more laughs at my last funeral.

COMING NEXT WEEK

By popular demand...

The Best Texts of January blog!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

"Now I know why they call it a 'lay' over"

The only way I can faithfully describe the sheer exhiliration I felt after reading this text was to imagine how Moses felt after he parted the Red Sea.

One of my east coast friends had managed to turn an extended business trip layover into a risque late night of debauchery with a mysterious lady stranger he had met only hours before at the airport.

Apparently when they met he asked why she was flying. She replied:

"I'm going to court for a D.U.I."

At that moment the sound a Vegas slot machine makes when you hit a ten million dollar jackpot rang through his head.

Four cocktails and two shots later, they were hotel room bound.

And the passengers on the U.S. Air flight thought they got lucky!


MOM ON FACEBOOK

Actual conversation I had with my mother after learning she joined Facebook.

ME:
"There is no way you will ever be my friend on Facebook."

MOM:
"Why not?"

ME:
"Because! I don't want you seeing wall posts from drunken one night stands."

MOM:
"Are they Jewish?"


COUNT THE MOVIE CLICHES

BE CAREFUL EVERYONE! THE BANK MIGHT GET YOU!



"Send a message. (Insert gunshot here.)"

"You would have to go outside the system of justice. (Insert door getting kicked open.)"

"They'll get to you... If they can't get to you, they'll get to your family! (Insert cute kids running into the arms of mom)"

"This isn't over... (Insert tearful head shake.)"


STAND UP IS BACK

Move over Dane Cook. My new set will be debuting/bombing in the next week!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Ten Years of Top Tens

Over a decade ago, I emailed a list of my top ten films of the year (yes, they did have email back then) to about a dozen of my closest friends and relatives. It's been a tradition for me ever since.

Each one of these ten films that I chose as the years best is more then just a film to me. They are memories.

I'll always be able to watch them, but I'll never be able to capture that one simple moment when I walked out of the theater for the first time.

I think that's what makes them so special.

1998

Saving Private Ryan
"The real horror of war comes from the silence."

1999

Election
"Made with the same fanatic ambition it so deftly satires."

2000

Unbreakable
"A mysterious turn at every corner, a story that makes us wonder and imagine."

2001

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
"Watching this journey unfold is akin to inviting back your childhood dreams."

2002

Road to Perdition
"What begins as a simple gangster tale soon unravels into a complex saga of a father’s attempt to protect his son from the very life that may end his own. "

2003

All The Real Girls
"A naked look at the true helplessness that comes with true heartbreak."

2004

Garden State
"An unforgettable mix of characters, all fighting the demons of loneliness, guilt and regret "

2005

Munich
"There are no easy answers. Or, for that matter, any answers."

2006

United 93
"When it's all over, you understand. Not why evil prevailed that day, but why it didn't."

2007

Into the Wild
"A story of rebellion, of freedom, of self-discovery, of testing the limits of ones humanity, and, in the end, of finding truth."


2008

COMING SOON.

Saturday, January 3, 2009