Monday, January 4, 2010
The Best Texts of 2009
One day when I'm old(er) with kids, my child is going to google my name (by then they'll be able to do it from the computer chip implanted in their brain), find this blog post and...
I'm going to have some explaining to do.
The following are all real texts, without edits, collected in the last twelve months from across the country. To protect the "innocent," no names and dates are listed.
My doctor this morning while my pants were down: "Have you been working out?"
She would cockblock me at my own wedding.
I just got booty texted by a girl I haven't spoken to in four years. It's as if she just sat back in her La-Z-Boy and asked "Hmm... What's the most random piece of ass I could have tonight?"
1. Walked by the office next to mine. 2. Saw new name on the door. 3. Looked her up on Facebook. 4. Had access to her profile because we are both on same network. 5. She has giant tits.
Odds that he's washed his sheets since the last bang? 6 to 5 against.
She then said "No condoms? Well... are you clean?"
"My response after seeing the picture of the girl he hooked up with last night: "Eeesh."
"Tell him to make sure to get her Facebook… It's the sketch trophy of 2009."
"Hooking up with that girl is like an inmate trying to talk himself into a jailhouse BJ."
And my personal favorite text of 2009...
Cockblocking is as offensive as genocide.